I have serverly neglected this blog. I never meant to but I just did. I guess I am writing because I am suffering from another break up and I hate to feel this way. The worse thing about any form of loss is being familar with it. I've been very familar with loss these days and the one thing I know about it is that it takes a long time to get it out of your system. Some things never leave. When my father died my childhood friend Brian said something to me that I will take with me till I leave this earth. He told me, "You never get over loss, just one day it doesn't affect you in the same way." That sums it up completely. If you ever experienced a death of a love one or a break up that should help you.
The thing that gets to me is when I'm going to get a break. I know trouble is not common to me and I know the entire world is going through something but I still look for the break from it all. There are some days that I just want to throw myself on an altar and just say "God please take away some of my troubles" "Lord just give me some peace" And I don't know why I can't do that. I guess that is the problem with religion you have to really have faith in order for it to work. Maybe I have to be like Jonah and lose everything to have real faith. According to the Bible God took everything away from him but he still maintained.
Another failed relationship under my belt. I told him I wanted to be friends but the truth is I like to imagine that all of my exes leave this world and live in another dimension. I never wish them harm but I usually never want to see them again. Usually speaking to them makes me think in my head and heart that we still have a relationship or there is a chance that we will get back together. I know this is unhealthy behavior but I engage in it anyway. Didn't they say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different reaction. When will I stop doing that.
The funny thing about all of this is I knew something wasn't right but I ignored it. I decided not to be so insecure and ignore the warning signs. I still don't know what happened. One day I had a man that was so into me he wanted me to spend weekends at his house till "Let's just be friends" He says he felt like my psychologist and he was just counseling me. I tried my best not to dump but its very hard when you have troubles in your life. Then you meet someone that you share your heart, your body and your mind with you just assume they can handle your troubles. I guess not.
I think the worse part of this all is how I used to describe him to my friends as being like my dad. My father's loss still resonates in me like it was yesterday sometimes. I still cry for him even though he was in so much pain constantly when he was dying. I hated seeing him like that but I hated that day we put him in the crematorium as well.
I know I will get over this but when is when I ask myself. We were only together a few months and since he did the breaking up he has moved on.
Maybe I'm just sharing too much. Ironically this is the reason why according my ex is why I am single again.
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