Spirit

I've been watching and reading a lot lately about Religion and Politics and its place in this world.  I was inspired to write something about it while watching this documentary on PBS

One of the things that I feel is important to mention, is the fact that these black martial artists went to China and were just Kung Fu artists.  Not black, African American, Colored or Negro.  Just kung fu artists.  They also mentioned that Kung Fu starts with the breath and then moves into the stance.  The artists I am watching treat the art of Kung Fu as a spiritual experience.

Yesterday at work, our student worker mentioned a school district that was being sued for teaching a yoga class.  The parents of this school district felt that the principles of yoga infringed on their religious beliefs.  Before I actually started my practice, I could probably agree.  But again, this country suffers from the ignorance of the unknown.

Yoga Lawsuit: Encinitas Union School District in California Sued Over Classes

When I decided to take a yoga class for credit at school, I walked into with several expectations.  I would start slow but by the end of the semester, I would be super yogi.  I would start slow but by December stand on my head.

Now let me return to reality.  Yoga is not for the physically fit or the faint of heart.  It is real.
The entire semester, I never heard my teacher refer to yoga as exercise but as "practice".  Usually when you refer to practice, it means you are trying to prepare yourself for the "big game", but I learned that the "big game" in yoga takes years of individualized focused practice.  Let me repeat individual. 

Yoga in my years of practice

• Never told me what to believe
• Never told me I have to be in the best in the class
• Never told me I would never be super yogi without dedication
• Never told me I need to spend hundreds of dollars on materials to be the best
• Never told me I should not respect my God and personal religious beliefs
• Never told me I wasn't trying hard enough and I should do better

Yoga has told me

• Begin with the end in mind
• Listen to your body, do what you can
• Focus your mind on what is important
• Maintain your spirituality in your God (who ever that maybe)
• Taught me to focus on myself, to allow my practice to be for me and for no one else
• Not to compete with the other people in your practice, because everyone has their individual struggles and strength
• And so much more

Now I have been lucky enough to find instructors that have maintained these beliefs in the practice.  Like school there are some teachers that are better than others.  I really think to myself if some of these parents allowed themselves the gift of practice, to learn the Sanskrit and the principles if they would be so against their children finding the spiritual peace, my practice gives me.

Doing too Much

I often wonder if I should censor myself on this blog.  That maybe it isn't a good idea to write without a few seconds with the Lord.  Well I guess it is too late now.

Since April, I've had three friends bury a parent and one friend bury a son.  This post is about happiness and if it actually exists after death.

I think of my life in two parts, before my father died and after my father died.  I go a few months or sometimes days with a feeling of joy and then something will happen or I have an ephiany about something.  I'm too smart and insightful for my own good sometimes.  I envy people who have the ability to be blissfully ignorant. 

I was going to write more, but it is too much for a Sunday....
I should of went to church

I have this Ice Box Where My Heart Used to Be....

I tried....

No one can't say I didn't. I was given advice that I wasn't ready to be married because I never really dated. Now I know if I want to be technical I didn't date in this situation but I tried going in not to be soft and pink. (c)Wendy Williams

This entire situation is not entirely my fault. I believe in personal accountability but I cannot take complete ownership. All I wanted was honesty and respect. I asked for that but I was not fully prepared at all at the fact that he wouldn't give it to me.

I set the requirements....
I laid the ground rules....
and he chose not to follow....
I didn't ask for commitment....

Now my role in the shit I just got myself in.
Thinking I can actually have an icebox and thinking that I wouldn't develop feelings.

But for all those in the cyberspace would you really think if you invited the next chick your fucking to the get together the chick already there wouldn't feel some type of way about it? How fuckin dare you! How dare you try to dance and feel up on both of us like that shit is cute.

Now I wonder what he is thinking or will he even approach me about this? I wonder if he will think that I'm just acting this way because I caught some type of feelings. The truth is I did. But that is not why I'm mad.

My next move is very important. I need to plan my moves accordingly so I come out smelling like fuckin roses even though I'm at a loss.

The Battle for Health Care Reform

The haves and the have nots
The insured and the uninsured
Health care reform, public options, death panels, waiting six months for a x-ray. These are all common phrases being spoken in the media in regards to the health care reform bill that the President is proposing. I went from a working young adult with no insurance to working for a hospital receiving excellent health benefits. The irony of this is my new job put me behind a computer billing people who were just like me, working with no coverage. I went from receiving a medical bill and not being able to pay it, to billing someone $2000 for a MRI.

I decided to visit the white house official web page to see exactly what all the discussion was about.

I want to highlight a few points of the President's plan.

If You Have Health Insurance

• Prevents insurance companies from dropping coverage when people are sick and need it most

If You Don't Have Insurance

• Creates a new insurance marketplace – the Exchange – that allows people without insurance and small businesses to compare plans and buy insurance at competitive prices

Reins In the Cost of Health Care for Our Families, Our Businesses, and Our Government

• Creates an independent commission of doctors and medical experts to identify waste, fraud and abuse in the health care system
• Requires large employers to cover their employees and individuals who can afford it to buy insurance so everyone shares in the responsibility of reform

Now exerts that I just shared from the White House website is not what I was looking for. What I really wanted to see was how the bill will be drafted in Congress, but since it has yet to make it to the floor, I will with what I have.

Now the President's plan is extremely ambitious. After reading it, I see the good but I see it as very idealistic as well.

The President wants to force insurance companies to continue medical coverage for people even after they exhausted their benefits. Most insurance companies will only allow you a certain amount of doctor, clinic or emergency visits a year. After you reached your max, the insurance company has the legal right to deny you coverage. So what happens if you get sick and need additional coverage? Critics of the President's plan say you have the option of going to the Emergency Room. Let's say you have the flu and need antibiotics and you go to the Emergency Room. Well working for a hospital, I know they charge you $500 just to see there and see a Triage nurse. If you leave before you see a doctor then we will just bill your insurance company. If the insurance company decides to pay the bill they will give the hospital around 65% of the total bill and then we just write off the balance. Case #2 the insurance company denies your claim. The hospital comes after you for the entire balance. If they gave you 2 Motrin for pain the hospital will bill you and expect payment. The patient is responsible for the entire bill, but what if you cannot pay? We give you six months of harassing phone calls and then we either send your bill to collections or the attorney general. The lucky ones go to collections. The New York State Attorney General will harass, stalk and threaten till a payment arrangement is made. If that doesn't work they just garnish your wages, put freezes on all of your assets and take your tax return. If you speak with an opponent of the President’s plan the first response to my rant on the high cost of health care is for the uninsured to go out and get a better paying job with better benefits. For anyone that has been unemployed knows doing this can be difficult.

The Exchange:

I honestly did not know the evil “public option” is when I read this. When created a forum for people to shop for what type of coverage is appropriate for them. After reading that, I am stunned at the people that accuse the President of Socialism and Communism. Initially I am stunned that people believe it to be the same thing. When I get over that shock, I am frightened that people think that nationalized health care was socialist. The President is giving Americans a choice. Choice and competition are two fundamental aspects of Capitalism. With competition, comes better service and innovation because the forerunner will have the best product available. I am not a student of Marx or Russian history but I do know that Stalin wouldn’t allow any option. Under Communism, everyone has the exact same coverage and there was no room for criticism. Critics of the Russian government under Stalin were either killed or sent to prison camps in Siberia. If only we could banish critics to frozen barren tundra never to be heard from again (cough, cough Alaska).

The last two points I’m conflicted on. I do not agree on a creating an independent commission of doctors to examine fraud. We have enough government agencies that are largely ineffective and sorry Mr. President I do not agree with you creating another one. The important part to this piece of legislature is to require large companies to provide health insurance for their employees. To the opponents of the President’s plan I ask, “Do you enjoy walking into a Wal-Mart or Target and having everyday household items available to you at low affordable prices?” If there response is yes my next question would be, “Do you value Americans?” The only reason why families such as the Walton’s (who own Wal-Mart) are among America’s wealthiest is because they sell refurbished good at a low cost while exploiting their employees. They are able to provide the middle class American $200 lap tops on Black Friday by paying their employees nothing and providing no benefits. There is value in everyone; the employees of Wal-Mart and Target provide a service that many Americans would chose not to do. For that kind of sacrifice, is it wrong to expect decent coverage if they fall ill?

The bigger problem in this country goes beyond health care. The bigger problem is the rhetoric and this constant abuse of free speech. I can understand being fundamentally against health care reform but instead of working to create a bill that will compromise both sides politicians fight their battles on television. Congressmen and Senators are elected promising to represent and voice the opinions and concerns of the district or state they represent. Michelle Bachmann spends more time on Fox News then she does in Washington D.C doing the job she was elected and paid to do. Of course since she goes on television and preaches the gospel according to Glenn Beck her constituents feel she is doing her job.

While the battle continues, people get sick and die. Whether you support the President’s plan or not be informed on what he is trying to do. Read what he plans for himself and do not listen to the people who are seeking political gain, because you never know when the Attorney General will call for payment.

The World Is Ruled By Sex

I have alot to day these days but so little time to write about it. I do miss the days of wireless internet access when the feeling to write took me all I had to do was pick up my laptop. I don't have the same desire to sit at my desk and type. I don't get inspired here. I would love a new desk, a new chair and even a bigger apartment to convey my thoughts. One thing at a time I guess. It took a long time for me to get my own space and I got it so I guess it will take me a while to get a bigger space. Even if I get that better job in Journalism then I would pay off some bills before moving on. If plans happen as they should (we make plans and God laughs)


I digress...

I saw this picture today and it instantly made me sad. I see a girl who grew up a little different. Different when you get older can make you quirky but not her kind of different. Growing up in South Africa I'm sure her parents did not have the access to the medical attention we have in the United States. They had a child saw she had a vagina and said "It's a Girl!" They raised her as a girl despite the mixed gender characteristics she possessed. She had a talent for running, so like any good parent they encouraged her to run. Not only to run but to be the best. She was the best and won the medals to prove it. Now it will be taken away from her. (I wonder how they couldn't see dude looks like a lady)


As much TLC and Discovery Health I watch I've seen documentaries on hermaphrodites. I was going to link you to the Wikipedia page on the subject but much to my surprise now in humans its called intersexuality. I wanted to write about this but as I get into the subject I don't know what to say. I don't know how she feels. I was born a woman. No confusion. I developed as a woman some say rather quickly (I was the only B cup in 6th grade). Not only am I a woman I never wanted to be a guy. I never had the confusion of feeling like a man trapped in a woman's body. I'm getting off the subject a bit but I just wonder how did she/he not know. I wonder if she/he ever attempted a relationship with a man/woman.

I guess my point is gender is socialized. Sexuality is socialized. Our gender roles are pre determined by society. It's a shame. She/he looks like a nice person. In America we force the parents to chose which sex they want to raise their child. Her/his parents didn't know they had that option. I wonder which one would they chose. Sexuality is very much socialized. Since Caster now fits into both categories who does he/she marry. If she picks a girl does that make her a lesbian? Not really. But since she has internal testes if she picks a man does that make her gay? Not really since she was raised to be a girl.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I feel bad for her/him. She has this great talent but no place to show or compete for it.

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Listening to: Bee Gees - More Than a Woman
via FoxyTunes

Siena Blaze on Shuffle

The rules are simple. I’m going to put my iPod on shuffle and write about the first 10 songs that play. Some of these will be really stupid or have nothing to do with the song but hey, who doesn’t like to hear me go off on a tangent.

Directly taken from Sean's blog I decided to do this because music is such a part of my life and every song has a story.

Diana Ross "I'm Coming Out"
I have a long love/hate relationship with Diana Ross. I don't feel her to be all that of a singer. I have a lot of music on my I POD just to have. I'm a particular fan of the song. Maybe its time to delete.

Slum Village "Tainted"
Love this song. I can't tell you much about the hip hop or Slum Village. This is one of the songs that began my love affair with Dwele

Fantasia "Sunshine"
Can't comment on this song because I don't think I ever heard it

John Coltrane & Duke Ellington "In a Sentimental Mood"
How many movies has this song been in. It's the lovemaking soundtrack for the middle to upper middle class negro. I think the first time I heard it was on the Cosby Show when Cliff was trying to get at Claire. I remember seeing people actually spoon to it in Love Jones.

Donny Hathaway "A Song for You"
I remember when I was a kid I had a little portable tape player in my room (Eric and I were not allowed to have televisions in our rooms) and that was my source of entertainment. At times, I would listen to Midnight Love on the radio and discovered many old songs for myself and this when I found Donny Hathaway. I remember hearing that song for the first time and thinking wow. I fell in love with the voice more than the actual song. That night I didn't learn the identity of the mystery man and I had no computer to Google it either. For that day forward I kept a blank tape in the cassette player waiting for that song to come back. It took a while and I had my tape ready. And then I heard that piano intro and hit record.

A Tribe Called Quest "Rap Promoter"
I have so many memories associated with The Low End Theory I don't know where to start

Talib Kweli featuring John Legend "Around My Way"
I will admit I only brought this song because it has John Legend. I'm a fan can't help it.

Brandy "Full Moon"
Great song by Brandy. This entire album slept on cause she was knocked up in her fake marriage. Well I'm not a fan of this whole album but the title track is fire.

Patrick Swayze "She's Like the Wind"
I don't know if I would have liked this song if it didn't appear on the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack or been in 4th grade. Good attempt at a singing career

Donnie "Beautiful Me"
I first listened to Donnie when I heard Do you Know. His album had been out about a year when I heard this song and I've been waiting for new material or at least a show ever since. Nothing. People that follow Donnie are the same type of people that make you feel bad because you are not natural or overly ethnic.

The Temptations "Silent Night"
Every Christmas since I can remember my mother played this Temptations Motown Merry Christmas cassette. We lost the tape I brought her the CD. Now we can't find the CD

What's Up What's Happening "T.I"
One of the few current rappers I actually like. I don't really know this song though

I'm over my limit

You should never change how you feel

I wrote this August 15, 2008 and I feel guilty. I don't think I ever fully believed the madness. I never felt like he ever touched a kid but I did want him to fall back a bit. After the first white kid I wanted him to leave them all alone. Mr. Harvey and I shared the same sentiment.

I just wanted Mike to fall back and stop going on tv and talking about the sleep overs with kids. I turned my back on MJ for a spell and now that he is gone I feel terrible.

When I do my community service I will remember fondly Michael and all he did for the world.

My Life in Photos

I've spent so much time looking at other peoples life through photos and never really spent time looking at my life and my perspective. I've been thinking about it because I'm currently taking Photography for non majors at Stony Brook and our first assignment is to identify what we see.


In this pic I see my #2 Quadisha. To be frank the first time I met Quadisha at our informational I thought who is this stank girl trying to be a Zeta. I hope they don't choose her over me because she was an archonette. I was never more wrong about a person. Behind that sweet smile is a really sweet person that would give her right arm to help someone out. She will make a great social worker because she really does care.











This pic I see my childhood. I remember the countless birthday parties I had and went to and I wonder what goes through their mind. The lives of these children are dramatically different than mine was at that age. I had nothing to worry about and some of the kids in this picture have seen things that I have never seen. One of the things I remember from my childhood was the youth of the adults around me. A couple of dead family members and seeing people not move like they use to really makes you think about your own mortality.





These pics represent one of my deepest fears, not knowing the difference between what I want and what I need. I was recently in a new apartment and yes I needed a new TV. I wanted the 32" flat screen and froze my ass off and almost fought with some yardies as a result. The even bigger irony is the fact that I come home and won't even turn on that TV till 10pm.

It is so true when people say you cannot judge a person that spoils their kids. Josiah is not mine he is just my cousin. And I did go overboard with the presents for a two year old but it was all worth it to see his smile. I remember as I was shopping thinking to myself that he would just look at these items and say ok what now but he didn't. He opened all of his presents that Christmas morning with care and diligence and loved playing with his toys. It was worth being broke for a little while.


My trip to San Diego a few years back. I've always said I've wanted to vacation alone and this trip I pretty much did. Even though I spent the time at Kizzy's spot I spent the days exploring San Diego and TJ on my own. I wonder to myself at times if I spend too much time alone and if that is a good thing. Maybe the more time alone I spend the more guarded and independent I appear to be. Maybe that is what scares off the fellas.



Of course I have hundreds more but many were causaulties of my last hard drive. But with the next five weeks of summer session II there will be more to tell.



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Listening to: Michael Jackson - Human Nature
via FoxyTunes

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Lately I come home from work and I don't turn on any lights and I don't turn on the TV. I just go straight to the computer and I play around on the internet and I watch and listen to Michael. Now it is no secret that I love Michael and I still mourn his loss but why the obsession?

I think it's two parts to my Michael obsession. First the part that comes from my heart. As far as I can remember my earliest memories involve Michael Jackson. I remember the day we brought the Thriller album and I remember dancing to it with Andrea and Eric in the den. I remember listening to the Jackson's and the Jackson 5. Many of the happiest memories of my childhood were centered around Michael. How do you say thank you to the person that gave up their life so you can have one? I am so grateful for that sacrifice that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

The other part to my MJ obsession is purely selfish. I feel guilty admitting this but I feel almost like I'm doing to MJ in death what so many did to him in life I'm using him as my distraction.

According to Wikipedia denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead. I am in denial. There is much I have to face but chose not to face it. I wonder how I can be aware of my situation but still do little or nothing to fix it.

That is the kicker

Current Mood: ....

I should say ill because I've been sitting in my bed for the last week because of this damn bronchitis of mine. I've thought about writing but between the coughing and the fever I just didn't have it in me to.

I think since I've had my bloggers turrets that this has probably been the longest period of time that I've gone without writing anything. There is not even a saved draft some where that just needs a few finishing touches before being published.

It's ironic to me that every area of your life never seems to gel exactly when they should be. I am grateful for the small advances that have been made.

SIDE NOTE: I need to get out of this bed and back into the world of the living. I can't believe how much t&a they are showing during primetime. Nor can I believe I am watching it and the fact that I am caught up in the drama that is Dr. 90210

I guess I will pay more attention to the positive in my life. There is way too much crazy going on in the world for me not to. This week I finally put a deposit down to go to Shana's wedding which I am looking forward to. From July 9 - July 13 I will be in DR doing an early 30th b day celebration and I'm going to do it big. I am so happy to go. Not because I will be staying at the five star resort that is Paradisus Palma Real but because Shana is like family. I've known this girl most of my life and now she is getting married. I am so grateful to have this family in my life even though I know her mother is going to drive me nuts. That is Mrs. Ashwood's purpose in life after all.

What do you buy the bride you are spending over a $1,000 dollars to go to their wedding? We shall see and I shall keep you posted.



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Listening to: Slum Village - Reunion (feat. J. Dilla)
via FoxyTunes

Swagger Like WHAT!@!

Let me tell you about swagger about a man's flow. Some men have it and most men don't. To me real swagger is when a man, even if he is not that attractive, captivates you with the aura that is him.

The first example of real man swagger that I can recall was 1998, at the SUNY Albany gym. SUNY Albany had a concert featuring Cocoa Brothers, Jay Z and Busta Rhymes. How things change where I went to a concert that Busta had top billing over Jay. I was there for Busta I paid my $15 to see him. Jay Z came on the stage and I will never forget it. He was wearing a Jets football jersey, some blue jeans and some timbs. After one song I said to Jamie Busta who? I was mesmerized by Jay and there have been other men that have come into my life that have "it", but none like Jay until...

Our president elect.


What can I say about the man that hasn't been said before. During this long campaign I admired the man. Several times on this blog I have praised our president elect for his choice of a strong black woman as his life partner. I have admired his intellect and his approach to life and politics. Since he has been elected we have seen another side to our President elect. He is still giving us his all but now we also see him vacationing, playing golf, and spending time with his children. I've admired the mind but after a recent family vacation in Hawaii we saw more of the man.

WHAT!!!!!
YEAH!!!!!!
OK!!!!!!!

Michelle Obama gets to lay down next to that every night. I'm hatin hardbody

This may seem small but this video sealed the deal for me in makin the President elect's swagger bigger than anyone else.




This video shows me our new president is like me. I totally understand why Southerners who had to drop out in the third grade voted for Bush. President-elect is just another black kid from the suburbs. We know how to act when we are around white folks and when we are in a social setting our innate urban tendencies come to light. Just check the examples at 1:08 and at the end of the video.

Ahhh!!!

It's like I'm 13 and I have a new crush.

EDIT: I am not the only one that recognizes the swagger. Start at 3:38

To the left To the left

In the last few weeks, I've been bombarded with stories of breakups and bitter dudes

I will add a personal story to the list.

My friend from work went to another coworker (a girl we are both cool with) to tell her about the breakup. The coworker responded with "I'm sure Jess is really happy that you are single again now you have more time to spend with her"

What thee fuck!$!#%

Why would I be happy about a friend of mine breaking up with the guy she has been with for over a year. This was a guy that she talked about marriage with.

My friend said to my coworker, "Jess is has a full life she goes out more than me."

A week after we broke up I was at my frat brothers' barbecue a week later. People like to tell me that I'm strong but its really pride. I'm going to be sad but I'm not going to do the pity party because I'm single. Well OK I won't like I did the pity party a Saturday or two but a girl is entitled.

What would (even if you were thinking it) make you say such a thing. The only thing I can think of is before she got engaged that is what her life was like.


I saw this next story on Okayplayer. This chick made up this account on Twitter which has only two updates but brings you to this blog.

I ask females that I know all the time what do sites like this help mend a broken heart? Will returning a kidney change the fact that your wife cheated on you? I guess I shouldn't judge but there has to be a better way to deal with a loss other than bitterness and revenge. Or maybe pride is truly one of the seven deadly sins. Maybe my crying on the inside routine is no better than throwing a brick through someones window. (I never did that. A girl I know did. Not his window but his mother's house. They are married now)

What I wonder now is should I call the coworker out for what she said.



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Listening to: U2 - Pride
via FoxyTunes

What to Write About Tonight

I had a thought.

I wanted my blog to be something more about politics, relationships and lack there of. When I get the feeling this way I visit various news sites to see what else is going on in the world. The only stories that catch my eye of course are the ones about politics. Since the election ended I've had my fair fill of the politics. I know when President elect Obama finally takes office Sean Hannity will give me enough to write about.

The story I just posted about combines relations and politics. I was born into the Reagan years. The years were government was bad and needed to be cut down. Reagan believed that private organizations should support charities and people have the ability to help themselves. Instead of private organizations helping people places like NYC became segregated by class. You had the rich elite living very well on the upper east side and a few blocks north in urban cities such as Harlem, rampant unemployment and crack became king.

Even though I was a toddler at that time I'm sure the Hannity's and the O'Reily's of the world felt this is what life should be like. Life was good for them because of hard work and not a system of inherited wealth. Thirty years later we have a major shift in Reagan's view of America.

Now I know this article was meant to be facetious but at the same time you have to look at the message behind the words. Reagan's America worked for some and forgive me for saying this but sometimes I think Obama's America will only work for some. The older I get the more I feel I am becoming more of a moderate. My hope for the next four years is the Democratic President, Congress and Senate don't get too overzealous with the help this country needs. I hope they help people help themselves for than anything.

It's funny. When I started writing I wasn't sure if I was going to write about politics or porn.

Hey There Lonely Girl

Another Saturday night in my series of what my weekends look like these days. The ironic thing about these posts is I used to love being home on a Saturday night. It was my time to really do me. Then he came along and changed all that. Damn him I say.

I'm actually writing earlier than I normally do because I'm tired. I'm at my mother's house but I cooked dinner just now. Between that and last night's step practice I'm worn out. Getting old is a bitch.

My friend called me today. She hadn't spoken to her boyfriend in two weeks and decided to drive to his house at 2am. When parked outside of his house she saw him walk into his apartment with two females. As soon as they walked in she slashed the tires of his car and went drinking with a friend. After drinking large amounts of alcohol she waited in his driveway. We are now at about 7:45 am and that is when I got the text followed by the phone call. That early morning call could be why I am so tired now.

I asked her why she was there and she said she needed to tie up loose ends and get her stuff. I was half asleep we agree to talk later. When we talk later she tells me she has more planned for him but would not tell me what. I really don't need to know but will admit that I am curious.

I asked my friend will vandalism and violence change what he did? She said no. So why do it? While I was talking to her I thought about me and the ex. We both had issues but his is what doomed our relationship. He is pretty immature for someone 37. Never did I wish him harm or try to destroy any of his personal property. I guess its different because he didn't string me along and he didn't lie to me. But the boyfriend before that did lie and did hurt me deeply but I never wished him harm either. My fatal flaw and unrealistic wish for all of my exes was for them to change so we can be together again. But I never expressed that to them I just let it be.

I will try my best to steer her away from violence but I guess everyone deals with loss in their own way. I don't want to tell her what to do but I would be re missed if I didn't mention that vandalism and violence are kind of against the law.

I found out this week that I have a reader or two. At first I felt some type of way but Daniella knocked me back to reality. First of all you can't really bare your self to blogger.com and expect privacy. Second maybe my rants, trails and tribulations would help someone else. I enjoying helping people and if someone can find some sort of solace in my past issues that so be it. I put all of my frustrations about so many aspects of myself on here and its kept me from doing something silly. Most importantly it's kept me from breaking the law. Blogging can't be every one's escape. I'm going to try to help my friend but something more productive with her time than vengeance.



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Listening to: Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
via FoxyTunes

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

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I just had to write today.

I've been so damned busy at work that I haven't had the time to really sit down and let the stream flow but I've been itching to do it. Maybe when I'm at my Mom's house and sitting in my usual writing spot I will have more to say.


Me and me peoples from work today spent the entire day talking about this man. I mean giving your wife a kidney is just as bad as having a baby to make the relationship work. No baby or kidney can fix what is broken.

Would I donate a kidney to my husband. Yes. Even if he was an asshole. We must remember there are three sides to every story. Your side, his side and the truth. I'm sure she will have something different to say about this situation. I kind of believe him. He sure played the man scorned well pretty well. I'm sure Tyler Perry is taking notes as we speak.

Before my tangent I will explain myself on why I would give a kidney to an asshole. I would because I couldn't look my kids in the eye and tell them I let your father die because he was a bad husband. Life changes so much when you have kids at least it should. Your self should not be the priority in this situation. You must remember you are the one that chose to marry the asshole but the kids could not chose their father. I can understand why the guy is mad but he really shouldn't be. I kind of want to ask, "Why you mad son?" I refuse to believe that he didn't know she was a ho when he married her. You can't make a ho a housewife no matter how hard you tried. That is where he fucked up.

Would I ask for it back? No. But not for the reason you maybe thinking. I have way to much pride. I would probably write a book off of the experience but I wouldn't ask you for my kidney back. I wouldn't give you the satisfaction of knowing you hurt me so bad that I needed my vital organs returned. We are in America and here we profit off of pain. I guess he really can't get money from her and this is the only way he can stick it to her.

To play devil's advocate for a sec, she probably worked that new kidney all over Suffolk County. I'm sure she went drinking, partying out to fancy restaurants with his kidney. I would have an attitude but you can't make a ho a housewife. I'm surprised no one told him that.

Listening to: Amy Winehouse - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow
via FoxyTunes

New Year's Revelations

Hello Blog,

I waited a few days to write the new year. I spent most of the first few days of the year watching Law and Order SVU. I wanted to pay careful attention to what I wrote and this time of year its hard to think of anything else but resolutions. We are bombarded with advertisements of get out of debt, weight loss and exercise. It's quite comical to me that we accept this bombardment as good ole fashioned capitalism but to me it is "profiting off of someones pain".

I say profit off of pain because these people bank on the fact that the new year brings up the same insecurities they had the year before. New Year is supposed to be a fresh start and it is for some. Some people take January 1 and make a fresh start. I decided to take a look at myself and thought, "Am I really that bad off".

I call this my New Year's Revelation. I'm not exactly where I want to be or where I thought I would be but I'm far from the bottom. I thought to myself the following:

I wanted a better job and a good education. I could have worked closer to home but I chose to work at the place that would educate me the best. I wanted better so I went back to school. Not easy for some.

Since I first walked into Andrea Hill's home now over 15 years ago I was introduced to Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.. When I first arrived in Albany I was not mentally ready for the journey I needed to take to get there. Eight years later...well your never fully ready for that journey but I saw the opportunity and took it. I just wish Andrea was alive to see it.

Now for the last revelation I had (well it wasn't the only one but you get the point). For many years I've always said I need to live on my own. I never wanted to go from my mother's house to the home I would make a family in with my husband (whomever he may be). I wanted to get my finances together and slowly but surely they are because of the help I sought from a financial advisor. My apartment maybe small but I can afford my rent and it's just me.

Now for the things I wish to accomplish. Because of facebook I was reminded of the person I used to be. I was actually healthy. I have never been this size in my life and the people in my life that love me worry for me. I see the drawbacks to being overweight and I don't want to live my life with constant health issues. I have to work on that.

I would love to have a baby. This is not a goal because it's not going to happen this year but I just want the record to show if I had it my way I would have a baby by now. Possibly working on #2. Now this baby fantasy includes a husband as much as I want a baby I don't want to raise him/her on my own.

I wish the focus was not so much on personal change for the new year. We all know you will never really change if you feel defeated when you begin. When you start any program with such high expectations you just set yourself up for failure. I hope to continue to write this year and use my blog as a tool to help me accomplish my goals.

Last Post of 08

Well what can I say.

I actually committed to this blog. There was a lot that I wrote about and quite a bit I left out. When I was really sad around the holidays I only really hinted around those feelings around my Dad's birthday. I have an hour till the movie starts so I guess I better get to work on the last post of the year.

January - July
An interesting few months. Didn't write a damn thing but I remember one thing from the time in my life. I decided in February that I didn't want to be single anymore and I was going to try online dating. So I put up a profile on match.com. There were a few guys that I talked to and the one I ignored for a month. Like always the one I liked for a month became my boyfriend for three months and I fell for him hard. Those three months I felt a peace that I haven't felt in quite sometime. I had problems but they didn't seem so bad. Then my day it was over and I still don't think I'm right. During this time my relationship with my mother became further strained because of her "friend". I know in my heart if I continued to live here my relationship with my mom would have beyond repair. Now I miss her when I don't speak to her or see her. Sometimes distance is the only thing that can help a relationship.

August
I had a lot of emotions this month I cried, and cried, and cried. We said goodbye to two great men and real change started to come.

September
I decided to get help this month. The financial kind. Lynette gave me an early Christmas present she said I can be OK with what I have. I'm still working on the plan she set up for me but Rome was not built in a day and I will not be financially responsible overnight but 09 is coming and change is coming. So the search became a reality

October
I got the place and school was kicking my but this month so I didn't write much. I must say during this time I was doing very well.

November
My life changed in November in so many ways. I moved out, I voted and with one election I was forever changed. The election changed me not because of its historical importance but changed me because I truly feel that "Yes We Can". I recall the day I cast my vote and how I held back the tears after I pulled the lever. I cried because I never thought I would live to see the day and I cried for all the people who are gone who would have been overjoyed by this election. President elect Barack Obama changed me. He showed me a man of character and integrity. When I have kids I want them to know about this man. After the election I watched all the television shows and the pundits especially the ones the marched with Dr. King. Vernon Jordan, Andrew Young and many others. All of them said to the President elect run for President but not now. America is not ready for a black first family. I felt the same way to where I ardently supported Senator (soon to be Secretary of State) Hillary Clinton. I'm sure everyone told this man the same thing. But he had a dream that became a dream fulfilled for so many people. My kids are going to know that you can do what ever you want no matter who tells you can't. I will sing the praise of our President for the rest of my life, no matter what his presidency brings us.

December
This month I was sad. It's the holidays and unfortunately its a scathing reminder of all you've lost. This month is no longer about giving and the birth of Christ. It's about staying in the black, posting big sales and restoring consumer confidence. I learned first hand what people will do for a material object. I pray for the family that is mourning a loss New Year's Eve and the life gone too soon. December I realized I want to be alone and need to be alone but I hate feeling lonely.

This is a much shorter year in review than I wanted but that is okay. Next year I hope to continue to write and get my emotions out in a healthy way. Even though I shared a lot on this blog I'm glad I did it because writing kept me from doing something stupid. I'm going to be 30 next year and I'm going to celebrate. Not because it's 30 and its considered a milestone birthday. I'm going to celebrate for all the people who will never get to celebrate a 30th birthday. Hopefully some of the personal changes I want for myself will at least start to come true.

Well I better get dressed for the movie. Brad Pitt here I come.

When you Really Have Nothing to Say

Last month I wrote a post on Why We Blog. Quick recap: Queen Latifah says any idiot that wants attention has a voice and a vehicle to do so. That brings me to this gentlemen, Mo Kelly.

I didn't read his blog (I was kind of disappointed to see a pundit with a radio show have a domain on blogspot but that is just my opinion). I will read his blog just when I have the time. From first glance it doesn't seem like he writes much there was just a bunch of reposted articles. I had to email him. If you go to his blog he said a few unfavorable things about my organization. I'm not going to post them but you can look if you so chose.

Dear Mr. Kelly,

While I respect your right to have an opinion and an avenue to express it, I must say I am disheartened by the articles you wrote about my organization.
This letter is not in pro Sheryl. This is about moving forward about supporting an organization that has committed itself to uplifting and helping the community and not continue to break it down.
I attended our Boule held this past summer in Las Vegas, NV as a voting delegate for my chapter. Even though I did not cast a vote for Soror Underwood when the election results were announced I respected the decision of the voting body. I understand that some of my sorors have issue with the results and I respect their decision to voice that opinion and act accordingly. Now that the courts have spoken it is necessary to move on and move forward.
You address Soror Underwood’s decision to post the findings of the lawsuit on the International website. As you are aware that court proceedings are public record and anyone who wanted this information would be able to obtain if they chose. Even though we are a sisterhood Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc is a business with corporate partnerships and affiliations. If you were a business person that wanted to work with an organization would you proceed knowing the organization had a pending lawsuit that was not resolved? You have unfairly judged Soror Underwood for posting sorority business. Have you visited the websites for other NPHC organizations? There are other groups that have lists of their members who were suspended. One website had the names of the members on probation suspended or expelled. There is even a section of ones that are banned from application. Natasha Starks is not the first person to be expelled from our organization or any organization and she will not be the last.
I do not know how extensive your knowledge is of Black Greek History but in January 1913 a group of women did not like the direction that the sorority was going. They met, changed the name, colors and motto for the organization. Senior members threatened this group of women with expulsion if they did not cease their activities. On January 13, 1913 those members were expelled from Alpha Kappa Alpha and Delta Sigma Theta was born.
Upheaval within an organization is not a new concept. It happens in mine and I’m sure it happens in other groups as well.
We need to move forward and remain positive in these rough times. Unless you have a crystal ball and no for a fact that Sheryl will fail then don’t judge her based on things she hasn’t done. If she fails at her job, at our next Boule I will vote accordingly.

What Would Jack Bauer Do?

Mr. O'Reilly recently gave a commentary called "Obama and your life" to make a long winded rant short, he said and used these words "Left wing loons are blocking torture and because of that your going to die"

Who are these left wing loons? I say What would Jack Bauer do to get information from a terrorist? That is how we need to handle the people who want to kill us.

I don't have an issue with torture. What I do have issue with and this is something the right will never understand is they cannot clearly define who a terrorist is. My cousin who looks more like the Indian side of my family gets mistaken for a terrorist all the time. Under Right Wing rule would I have to worry about walking down the street with my cousin and being swept up by the CIA for associating with a possible terrorist? That is the issue I have with torture the innocent people that get caught up in the madness and for some reason it happens too often under Republican watch. Yes once in a while Jack Bauer shots someone he shouldn't but he makes up for it at the end of the day.

I feel like the comedians these days. I remember a month ago Bill Maher and Jay Leno complaining that having a President that is brilliant makes it hard to make fun of him and the jokes will suffer.

I completely understand that now. I mean I'm going to foxnews for material is that not sad? What will I write about if I'm not outraged by something the President does? You can exalt someones praises so much. I do feel that when Obama finishes his cabinet selections and they pass through the Senate nominating committee that he should round them up and take a picture like this one. Rahm needs to be in it to.