The Dating Chronicles

2010 begins my foray into dating and it is starting on interesting note. I say that because I am dating. I am looking and keeping myself open to the possibilities. But after all the nonsense Mr. G has put me through every time I hear that bbm ding a part of me hopes its him. He has been treating me a indirectly like a real dick even though I haven't been around to receive it. It's almost worse that he does it behind my back. Mr. G has painted a portrait of me that is just not true, so instead of waiting for him to change I've decided to move on. Even though I may not entirely be ready.

Well I had date #1 today. I had issue from before we met. I didn't like the offer of a back rub. I didn't care for the baby and sweetheart nonsense as well but I kept it moving. For 31 cross eyed seemed a little immature but what guy is not. We were supposed to meet last night and I'm glad he cancelled. I didn't have much time today because it was Nora's shower but I couldn't keep him at bay for much longer. He seemed very anxious to meet me. Peep the timeline.

2:11 -
Me: I'm leaving the Source mall now. Let's meet at the Starbucks closet to you.
Cross eyed: Ok I'm already dressed I will see you in a few minutes.

Now the Source mall is a few minutes further from this Starbucks than from where he lives. Literally up the block.

2:28
Me: Where is this fool
Me on the bbm: Line sisters have a blind date but about to leave. This fool has me waiting.
LS #3: Give him a few more minutes
Me: He knows I have a baby shower to attend
Me: I'm just sending you guys this bbm in case I end up missing
Me: I'm out

2:37
Me: Oh hi (as I'm walking out the door)
Cross eyed: Oh hi (hug and kiss) excuse about making me wait
Me: Who the hell is he looking at

2:40 - 2:53
useless jaber
Me: I should go
Cross eyed: Ok nice meeting you
Me: I will call you when I get home from the shower
Cross eyed: ok cool

and I'm out....

Now I know what the funk doctor Spock is going to say end it, but in these situations I just like to cease contact. I'm going to catch up with her on Thursday so we shall get her opinion then. It's a good thing I'm seeing her before date #2

I have this Ice Box Where My Heart Used to Be....

I tried....

No one can't say I didn't. I was given advice that I wasn't ready to be married because I never really dated. Now I know if I want to be technical I didn't date in this situation but I tried going in not to be soft and pink. (c)Wendy Williams

This entire situation is not entirely my fault. I believe in personal accountability but I cannot take complete ownership. All I wanted was honesty and respect. I asked for that but I was not fully prepared at all at the fact that he wouldn't give it to me.

I set the requirements....
I laid the ground rules....
and he chose not to follow....
I didn't ask for commitment....

Now my role in the shit I just got myself in.
Thinking I can actually have an icebox and thinking that I wouldn't develop feelings.

But for all those in the cyberspace would you really think if you invited the next chick your fucking to the get together the chick already there wouldn't feel some type of way about it? How fuckin dare you! How dare you try to dance and feel up on both of us like that shit is cute.

Now I wonder what he is thinking or will he even approach me about this? I wonder if he will think that I'm just acting this way because I caught some type of feelings. The truth is I did. But that is not why I'm mad.

My next move is very important. I need to plan my moves accordingly so I come out smelling like fuckin roses even though I'm at a loss.

Ball of Confusion

Thank the Lord no one reads this blog of mine and I can speak freely. Men can put you through it so much that I want to write about it but I know I'm just going to give myself a headache

URGHHHHHH!!!

EDIT:

I really don't know what to do.

I'm going to now say what I want to say but don't know if I can suffer the consequences of my feelings. The consequences being either he hears what I have to say and understands or he walks away.

Hopefully writing in this blog will give me the courage to say what I have to say.

We first met and had fun
The second time we met we had fun and took it further...
During our second meeting we talked about us and where we were going.
The third time we met not so good. You pushed me away because you thought I was getting too close. I thought to myself, "This is bullshit!" Stated my case and left him be.
Fourth time we met...you wanted me. You called me and I came and we had fun!

Things were going well. Anytime we get close you throw up roadblocks. And the reason is you don't want anyone to develop feelings. The problem is I don't think its my feelings your thinking about developing I think its yours.

You know what? I took a lot of time to just say something so simple.

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Listening to: Omarion - Ice Box
via FoxyTunes

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I haven't had a restful night sleep in over a week. I don't believe that dreams are premonitions. I believe that dreams are things that are weighing heavily on your mind that you can't resolve in your waking state but they carry over to your sleep. Well my issues are carrying over to my sleep and keeping me from getting a good night's rest.

I guess I will start with last nights dream first. It was me and my mother in a bridal shop. The first dress I tried on and the one I would have never picked for myself is what looked perfect. Me and my mother decided after that dress I didn't have to try anymore on.

The Dream Moods Interpretation

If you are single and dream that you are a bride, represents your desires for marriage. Alternatively, it may represent the most feminine qualities about yourself. The dream may also symbolize purity and virginal qualities.

No mystery here. I truly doubt it had anything to do with purity and virginal qualities. What I don't understand is for as much as I do want to be married I never want to rush into something just to be married. I always thought I had more control over my emotions I wouldn't let some emotional need take over what I know what I want in my head.

The other dreams I've had all have to do with money. Every time I close my eyes I see a bill that I'm paying or supposed to pay.

The Dream Moods Interpretation

To see bills in your dream, suggests that your mind is preoccupied with financial and money matters. You may be feeling overwhelmed with life's demands.

Of course I'm preoccupied with financial concerns everyone is our country is in a recession. I hope I'm not overwhelmed by life's demands. I know oh too well that it can be much worse than it is now.

I know the issues I just wish I didn't have to deal with them while I sleep.



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Listening to: Otis Redding - I've Got Dreams to Remember
via FoxyTunes

Hey There Lonely Girl

Another Saturday night in my series of what my weekends look like these days. The ironic thing about these posts is I used to love being home on a Saturday night. It was my time to really do me. Then he came along and changed all that. Damn him I say.

I'm actually writing earlier than I normally do because I'm tired. I'm at my mother's house but I cooked dinner just now. Between that and last night's step practice I'm worn out. Getting old is a bitch.

My friend called me today. She hadn't spoken to her boyfriend in two weeks and decided to drive to his house at 2am. When parked outside of his house she saw him walk into his apartment with two females. As soon as they walked in she slashed the tires of his car and went drinking with a friend. After drinking large amounts of alcohol she waited in his driveway. We are now at about 7:45 am and that is when I got the text followed by the phone call. That early morning call could be why I am so tired now.

I asked her why she was there and she said she needed to tie up loose ends and get her stuff. I was half asleep we agree to talk later. When we talk later she tells me she has more planned for him but would not tell me what. I really don't need to know but will admit that I am curious.

I asked my friend will vandalism and violence change what he did? She said no. So why do it? While I was talking to her I thought about me and the ex. We both had issues but his is what doomed our relationship. He is pretty immature for someone 37. Never did I wish him harm or try to destroy any of his personal property. I guess its different because he didn't string me along and he didn't lie to me. But the boyfriend before that did lie and did hurt me deeply but I never wished him harm either. My fatal flaw and unrealistic wish for all of my exes was for them to change so we can be together again. But I never expressed that to them I just let it be.

I will try my best to steer her away from violence but I guess everyone deals with loss in their own way. I don't want to tell her what to do but I would be re missed if I didn't mention that vandalism and violence are kind of against the law.

I found out this week that I have a reader or two. At first I felt some type of way but Daniella knocked me back to reality. First of all you can't really bare your self to blogger.com and expect privacy. Second maybe my rants, trails and tribulations would help someone else. I enjoying helping people and if someone can find some sort of solace in my past issues that so be it. I put all of my frustrations about so many aspects of myself on here and its kept me from doing something silly. Most importantly it's kept me from breaking the law. Blogging can't be every one's escape. I'm going to try to help my friend but something more productive with her time than vengeance.



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Listening to: Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
via FoxyTunes

The Definition of Insanity

I was once told that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I'm sure I have written about this before in blogger past and maybe when I have more time I will go back and look but in today's stupid news...

I looked at him today. His face only existed in my mind because I destroyed any hard evidence I had but I searched and I looked at him today. I saw that he is continuing to move on. And by the looks of it he hasn't found anyone yet. Then I ask why? Why is he looking for someone when he could have been with me? He said he wanted to be my friend but cut me out of his life so easily. And I tried not to let my family interfere but I had to keep it real. I put my entire self out there with him because it seemed like the right thing to do. No games I decided and I put myself out there because I wanted to believe that he was the one. He was so much like my Dad. I wanted to believe in the adage you will end up with a man like your father. My father was wonderful. He wasn't always the perfect husband but that is okay because I am not looking for the perfect man.

I will try to remain positive but for now I am just going to be sad.



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Now playing: Al Green - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart
via FoxyTunes