Meditation

I had hypnotist tell me once to imagine myself walking up a stairs, any grand stairs that pops into your head.  As you walk to the stairs, you realize your load is heavy and decide to drop things before stepping on to the first step.  I drop something, step up and right behind me is my Dad.  At first I'm happy and then I'm angry because the pain of his death I want to leave behind, but I keep walking cause I know that will never go away.  I continue up the steps and Dad is still one step behind me.  I reach the top of the stairs and I find the person I want to be, the person I was.  But Dad is still just one step behind. 

The person I want to be turns around and says to Dad, I'm good now, but he still stands there and gives me that smile and shrug.  My father didn't have to say a word but when I saw the smile and shrug that meant he thought I wasn't serious and I'm going to do this wheter you like it or not.

I decided to take my walk up the staircase to relax and try to have more than five hours of sleep.  I guess that's a wrap.

Doing too Much

I often wonder if I should censor myself on this blog.  That maybe it isn't a good idea to write without a few seconds with the Lord.  Well I guess it is too late now.

Since April, I've had three friends bury a parent and one friend bury a son.  This post is about happiness and if it actually exists after death.

I think of my life in two parts, before my father died and after my father died.  I go a few months or sometimes days with a feeling of joy and then something will happen or I have an ephiany about something.  I'm too smart and insightful for my own good sometimes.  I envy people who have the ability to be blissfully ignorant. 

I was going to write more, but it is too much for a Sunday....
I should of went to church

The Dating Chronicles

2010 begins my foray into dating and it is starting on interesting note. I say that because I am dating. I am looking and keeping myself open to the possibilities. But after all the nonsense Mr. G has put me through every time I hear that bbm ding a part of me hopes its him. He has been treating me a indirectly like a real dick even though I haven't been around to receive it. It's almost worse that he does it behind my back. Mr. G has painted a portrait of me that is just not true, so instead of waiting for him to change I've decided to move on. Even though I may not entirely be ready.

Well I had date #1 today. I had issue from before we met. I didn't like the offer of a back rub. I didn't care for the baby and sweetheart nonsense as well but I kept it moving. For 31 cross eyed seemed a little immature but what guy is not. We were supposed to meet last night and I'm glad he cancelled. I didn't have much time today because it was Nora's shower but I couldn't keep him at bay for much longer. He seemed very anxious to meet me. Peep the timeline.

2:11 -
Me: I'm leaving the Source mall now. Let's meet at the Starbucks closet to you.
Cross eyed: Ok I'm already dressed I will see you in a few minutes.

Now the Source mall is a few minutes further from this Starbucks than from where he lives. Literally up the block.

2:28
Me: Where is this fool
Me on the bbm: Line sisters have a blind date but about to leave. This fool has me waiting.
LS #3: Give him a few more minutes
Me: He knows I have a baby shower to attend
Me: I'm just sending you guys this bbm in case I end up missing
Me: I'm out

2:37
Me: Oh hi (as I'm walking out the door)
Cross eyed: Oh hi (hug and kiss) excuse about making me wait
Me: Who the hell is he looking at

2:40 - 2:53
useless jaber
Me: I should go
Cross eyed: Ok nice meeting you
Me: I will call you when I get home from the shower
Cross eyed: ok cool

and I'm out....

Now I know what the funk doctor Spock is going to say end it, but in these situations I just like to cease contact. I'm going to catch up with her on Thursday so we shall get her opinion then. It's a good thing I'm seeing her before date #2

Ball of Confusion

Thank the Lord no one reads this blog of mine and I can speak freely. Men can put you through it so much that I want to write about it but I know I'm just going to give myself a headache

URGHHHHHH!!!

EDIT:

I really don't know what to do.

I'm going to now say what I want to say but don't know if I can suffer the consequences of my feelings. The consequences being either he hears what I have to say and understands or he walks away.

Hopefully writing in this blog will give me the courage to say what I have to say.

We first met and had fun
The second time we met we had fun and took it further...
During our second meeting we talked about us and where we were going.
The third time we met not so good. You pushed me away because you thought I was getting too close. I thought to myself, "This is bullshit!" Stated my case and left him be.
Fourth time we met...you wanted me. You called me and I came and we had fun!

Things were going well. Anytime we get close you throw up roadblocks. And the reason is you don't want anyone to develop feelings. The problem is I don't think its my feelings your thinking about developing I think its yours.

You know what? I took a lot of time to just say something so simple.

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Listening to: Omarion - Ice Box
via FoxyTunes

Siena Blaze on Shuffle

The rules are simple. I’m going to put my iPod on shuffle and write about the first 10 songs that play. Some of these will be really stupid or have nothing to do with the song but hey, who doesn’t like to hear me go off on a tangent.

Directly taken from Sean's blog I decided to do this because music is such a part of my life and every song has a story.

Diana Ross "I'm Coming Out"
I have a long love/hate relationship with Diana Ross. I don't feel her to be all that of a singer. I have a lot of music on my I POD just to have. I'm a particular fan of the song. Maybe its time to delete.

Slum Village "Tainted"
Love this song. I can't tell you much about the hip hop or Slum Village. This is one of the songs that began my love affair with Dwele

Fantasia "Sunshine"
Can't comment on this song because I don't think I ever heard it

John Coltrane & Duke Ellington "In a Sentimental Mood"
How many movies has this song been in. It's the lovemaking soundtrack for the middle to upper middle class negro. I think the first time I heard it was on the Cosby Show when Cliff was trying to get at Claire. I remember seeing people actually spoon to it in Love Jones.

Donny Hathaway "A Song for You"
I remember when I was a kid I had a little portable tape player in my room (Eric and I were not allowed to have televisions in our rooms) and that was my source of entertainment. At times, I would listen to Midnight Love on the radio and discovered many old songs for myself and this when I found Donny Hathaway. I remember hearing that song for the first time and thinking wow. I fell in love with the voice more than the actual song. That night I didn't learn the identity of the mystery man and I had no computer to Google it either. For that day forward I kept a blank tape in the cassette player waiting for that song to come back. It took a while and I had my tape ready. And then I heard that piano intro and hit record.

A Tribe Called Quest "Rap Promoter"
I have so many memories associated with The Low End Theory I don't know where to start

Talib Kweli featuring John Legend "Around My Way"
I will admit I only brought this song because it has John Legend. I'm a fan can't help it.

Brandy "Full Moon"
Great song by Brandy. This entire album slept on cause she was knocked up in her fake marriage. Well I'm not a fan of this whole album but the title track is fire.

Patrick Swayze "She's Like the Wind"
I don't know if I would have liked this song if it didn't appear on the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack or been in 4th grade. Good attempt at a singing career

Donnie "Beautiful Me"
I first listened to Donnie when I heard Do you Know. His album had been out about a year when I heard this song and I've been waiting for new material or at least a show ever since. Nothing. People that follow Donnie are the same type of people that make you feel bad because you are not natural or overly ethnic.

The Temptations "Silent Night"
Every Christmas since I can remember my mother played this Temptations Motown Merry Christmas cassette. We lost the tape I brought her the CD. Now we can't find the CD

What's Up What's Happening "T.I"
One of the few current rappers I actually like. I don't really know this song though

I'm over my limit

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy

Lately I come home from work and I don't turn on any lights and I don't turn on the TV. I just go straight to the computer and I play around on the internet and I watch and listen to Michael. Now it is no secret that I love Michael and I still mourn his loss but why the obsession?

I think it's two parts to my Michael obsession. First the part that comes from my heart. As far as I can remember my earliest memories involve Michael Jackson. I remember the day we brought the Thriller album and I remember dancing to it with Andrea and Eric in the den. I remember listening to the Jackson's and the Jackson 5. Many of the happiest memories of my childhood were centered around Michael. How do you say thank you to the person that gave up their life so you can have one? I am so grateful for that sacrifice that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

The other part to my MJ obsession is purely selfish. I feel guilty admitting this but I feel almost like I'm doing to MJ in death what so many did to him in life I'm using him as my distraction.

According to Wikipedia denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead. I am in denial. There is much I have to face but chose not to face it. I wonder how I can be aware of my situation but still do little or nothing to fix it.

That is the kicker

Since You've Been Gone

For the last week I've inundated myself with Michael Jackson. I've watched videos countless times, listened to his music and watched interviews. I now realize that I am not giving the man the peace he wanted so much in life now that he is dead.

Every crazy article that has come out I've read. I've tried to imagine myself as a Jackson as even being close to being that big of a star. I did not think of myself in the public so much as how he was in his private life. What kind of private life can you have when they have to shut down a grocery store so you can just go food shopping.

The truth is I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I am not allowing Michael to do his job. His job was to provide us with music and entertain us and he did that 1000x over. I am ashamed because I feel like I've been using Michael. For the last week the circus around the man gone too soon has been my distraction. It has prevented me from dealing with all the crazy shit I have going on in my life. I've disguised the fact that I avoid all things difficult and painful in my life. Some people think I'm a saint for all the community service and time I give to other people. And for the most part it is selfless but I don't know if I believe anything in this life is completely selfless. Doing work for other people helps me avoid the personal pain. I think I'm being selfish because I feel if Michael was alive today he would gladly trade in my pain for his. There will never be another person in this world that could feel the same pain as Michael. The only other person the peoples Princess knew the same pain as Michael, but she too was taken from us too soon.

What I have to do is stop avoiding and live the life that Michael so much deserved.

Michael,
I pray that you find the peace in death that you could not find in life

Katherine,
I hope your faith gets you through this and I pray for you

Prince Michael, Paris and Prince Michael II
I know how it feels to lose a parent and I pray that the world allows you to mourn in peace

I pray for anyone that has lost a person that is important to them.



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Listening to: Michael Jackson - Gone Too Soon
via FoxyTunes

There’s no black and white, left and right to me anymore; there’s only up and down and down is very close to the ground. And I’m trying to go up without thinking about anything trivial such as politics. They has got nothing to do with it. I’m thinking about the general people and when they get hurt.

Bob Dylan

Current Mood: ....

I should say ill because I've been sitting in my bed for the last week because of this damn bronchitis of mine. I've thought about writing but between the coughing and the fever I just didn't have it in me to.

I think since I've had my bloggers turrets that this has probably been the longest period of time that I've gone without writing anything. There is not even a saved draft some where that just needs a few finishing touches before being published.

It's ironic to me that every area of your life never seems to gel exactly when they should be. I am grateful for the small advances that have been made.

SIDE NOTE: I need to get out of this bed and back into the world of the living. I can't believe how much t&a they are showing during primetime. Nor can I believe I am watching it and the fact that I am caught up in the drama that is Dr. 90210

I guess I will pay more attention to the positive in my life. There is way too much crazy going on in the world for me not to. This week I finally put a deposit down to go to Shana's wedding which I am looking forward to. From July 9 - July 13 I will be in DR doing an early 30th b day celebration and I'm going to do it big. I am so happy to go. Not because I will be staying at the five star resort that is Paradisus Palma Real but because Shana is like family. I've known this girl most of my life and now she is getting married. I am so grateful to have this family in my life even though I know her mother is going to drive me nuts. That is Mrs. Ashwood's purpose in life after all.

What do you buy the bride you are spending over a $1,000 dollars to go to their wedding? We shall see and I shall keep you posted.



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Listening to: Slum Village - Reunion (feat. J. Dilla)
via FoxyTunes

To the left To the left

In the last few weeks, I've been bombarded with stories of breakups and bitter dudes

I will add a personal story to the list.

My friend from work went to another coworker (a girl we are both cool with) to tell her about the breakup. The coworker responded with "I'm sure Jess is really happy that you are single again now you have more time to spend with her"

What thee fuck!$!#%

Why would I be happy about a friend of mine breaking up with the guy she has been with for over a year. This was a guy that she talked about marriage with.

My friend said to my coworker, "Jess is has a full life she goes out more than me."

A week after we broke up I was at my frat brothers' barbecue a week later. People like to tell me that I'm strong but its really pride. I'm going to be sad but I'm not going to do the pity party because I'm single. Well OK I won't like I did the pity party a Saturday or two but a girl is entitled.

What would (even if you were thinking it) make you say such a thing. The only thing I can think of is before she got engaged that is what her life was like.


I saw this next story on Okayplayer. This chick made up this account on Twitter which has only two updates but brings you to this blog.

I ask females that I know all the time what do sites like this help mend a broken heart? Will returning a kidney change the fact that your wife cheated on you? I guess I shouldn't judge but there has to be a better way to deal with a loss other than bitterness and revenge. Or maybe pride is truly one of the seven deadly sins. Maybe my crying on the inside routine is no better than throwing a brick through someones window. (I never did that. A girl I know did. Not his window but his mother's house. They are married now)

What I wonder now is should I call the coworker out for what she said.



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Listening to: U2 - Pride
via FoxyTunes

Cocaine is one helluva Drug

Give it to me Baby!!!






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Listening to: Rick James - Give It To Me Baby
via FoxyTunes

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I haven't had a restful night sleep in over a week. I don't believe that dreams are premonitions. I believe that dreams are things that are weighing heavily on your mind that you can't resolve in your waking state but they carry over to your sleep. Well my issues are carrying over to my sleep and keeping me from getting a good night's rest.

I guess I will start with last nights dream first. It was me and my mother in a bridal shop. The first dress I tried on and the one I would have never picked for myself is what looked perfect. Me and my mother decided after that dress I didn't have to try anymore on.

The Dream Moods Interpretation

If you are single and dream that you are a bride, represents your desires for marriage. Alternatively, it may represent the most feminine qualities about yourself. The dream may also symbolize purity and virginal qualities.

No mystery here. I truly doubt it had anything to do with purity and virginal qualities. What I don't understand is for as much as I do want to be married I never want to rush into something just to be married. I always thought I had more control over my emotions I wouldn't let some emotional need take over what I know what I want in my head.

The other dreams I've had all have to do with money. Every time I close my eyes I see a bill that I'm paying or supposed to pay.

The Dream Moods Interpretation

To see bills in your dream, suggests that your mind is preoccupied with financial and money matters. You may be feeling overwhelmed with life's demands.

Of course I'm preoccupied with financial concerns everyone is our country is in a recession. I hope I'm not overwhelmed by life's demands. I know oh too well that it can be much worse than it is now.

I know the issues I just wish I didn't have to deal with them while I sleep.



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Listening to: Otis Redding - I've Got Dreams to Remember
via FoxyTunes

Hey There Lonely Girl

Another Saturday night in my series of what my weekends look like these days. The ironic thing about these posts is I used to love being home on a Saturday night. It was my time to really do me. Then he came along and changed all that. Damn him I say.

I'm actually writing earlier than I normally do because I'm tired. I'm at my mother's house but I cooked dinner just now. Between that and last night's step practice I'm worn out. Getting old is a bitch.

My friend called me today. She hadn't spoken to her boyfriend in two weeks and decided to drive to his house at 2am. When parked outside of his house she saw him walk into his apartment with two females. As soon as they walked in she slashed the tires of his car and went drinking with a friend. After drinking large amounts of alcohol she waited in his driveway. We are now at about 7:45 am and that is when I got the text followed by the phone call. That early morning call could be why I am so tired now.

I asked her why she was there and she said she needed to tie up loose ends and get her stuff. I was half asleep we agree to talk later. When we talk later she tells me she has more planned for him but would not tell me what. I really don't need to know but will admit that I am curious.

I asked my friend will vandalism and violence change what he did? She said no. So why do it? While I was talking to her I thought about me and the ex. We both had issues but his is what doomed our relationship. He is pretty immature for someone 37. Never did I wish him harm or try to destroy any of his personal property. I guess its different because he didn't string me along and he didn't lie to me. But the boyfriend before that did lie and did hurt me deeply but I never wished him harm either. My fatal flaw and unrealistic wish for all of my exes was for them to change so we can be together again. But I never expressed that to them I just let it be.

I will try my best to steer her away from violence but I guess everyone deals with loss in their own way. I don't want to tell her what to do but I would be re missed if I didn't mention that vandalism and violence are kind of against the law.

I found out this week that I have a reader or two. At first I felt some type of way but Daniella knocked me back to reality. First of all you can't really bare your self to blogger.com and expect privacy. Second maybe my rants, trails and tribulations would help someone else. I enjoying helping people and if someone can find some sort of solace in my past issues that so be it. I put all of my frustrations about so many aspects of myself on here and its kept me from doing something silly. Most importantly it's kept me from breaking the law. Blogging can't be every one's escape. I'm going to try to help my friend but something more productive with her time than vengeance.



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Listening to: Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats
via FoxyTunes

New Year's Revelations

Hello Blog,

I waited a few days to write the new year. I spent most of the first few days of the year watching Law and Order SVU. I wanted to pay careful attention to what I wrote and this time of year its hard to think of anything else but resolutions. We are bombarded with advertisements of get out of debt, weight loss and exercise. It's quite comical to me that we accept this bombardment as good ole fashioned capitalism but to me it is "profiting off of someones pain".

I say profit off of pain because these people bank on the fact that the new year brings up the same insecurities they had the year before. New Year is supposed to be a fresh start and it is for some. Some people take January 1 and make a fresh start. I decided to take a look at myself and thought, "Am I really that bad off".

I call this my New Year's Revelation. I'm not exactly where I want to be or where I thought I would be but I'm far from the bottom. I thought to myself the following:

I wanted a better job and a good education. I could have worked closer to home but I chose to work at the place that would educate me the best. I wanted better so I went back to school. Not easy for some.

Since I first walked into Andrea Hill's home now over 15 years ago I was introduced to Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc.. When I first arrived in Albany I was not mentally ready for the journey I needed to take to get there. Eight years later...well your never fully ready for that journey but I saw the opportunity and took it. I just wish Andrea was alive to see it.

Now for the last revelation I had (well it wasn't the only one but you get the point). For many years I've always said I need to live on my own. I never wanted to go from my mother's house to the home I would make a family in with my husband (whomever he may be). I wanted to get my finances together and slowly but surely they are because of the help I sought from a financial advisor. My apartment maybe small but I can afford my rent and it's just me.

Now for the things I wish to accomplish. Because of facebook I was reminded of the person I used to be. I was actually healthy. I have never been this size in my life and the people in my life that love me worry for me. I see the drawbacks to being overweight and I don't want to live my life with constant health issues. I have to work on that.

I would love to have a baby. This is not a goal because it's not going to happen this year but I just want the record to show if I had it my way I would have a baby by now. Possibly working on #2. Now this baby fantasy includes a husband as much as I want a baby I don't want to raise him/her on my own.

I wish the focus was not so much on personal change for the new year. We all know you will never really change if you feel defeated when you begin. When you start any program with such high expectations you just set yourself up for failure. I hope to continue to write this year and use my blog as a tool to help me accomplish my goals.

The Definition of Insanity

I was once told that the definition of insanity was doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. I'm sure I have written about this before in blogger past and maybe when I have more time I will go back and look but in today's stupid news...

I looked at him today. His face only existed in my mind because I destroyed any hard evidence I had but I searched and I looked at him today. I saw that he is continuing to move on. And by the looks of it he hasn't found anyone yet. Then I ask why? Why is he looking for someone when he could have been with me? He said he wanted to be my friend but cut me out of his life so easily. And I tried not to let my family interfere but I had to keep it real. I put my entire self out there with him because it seemed like the right thing to do. No games I decided and I put myself out there because I wanted to believe that he was the one. He was so much like my Dad. I wanted to believe in the adage you will end up with a man like your father. My father was wonderful. He wasn't always the perfect husband but that is okay because I am not looking for the perfect man.

I will try to remain positive but for now I am just going to be sad.



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Now playing: Al Green - How Can You Mend a Broken Heart
via FoxyTunes

When you Really Have Nothing to Say

Last month I wrote a post on Why We Blog. Quick recap: Queen Latifah says any idiot that wants attention has a voice and a vehicle to do so. That brings me to this gentlemen, Mo Kelly.

I didn't read his blog (I was kind of disappointed to see a pundit with a radio show have a domain on blogspot but that is just my opinion). I will read his blog just when I have the time. From first glance it doesn't seem like he writes much there was just a bunch of reposted articles. I had to email him. If you go to his blog he said a few unfavorable things about my organization. I'm not going to post them but you can look if you so chose.

Dear Mr. Kelly,

While I respect your right to have an opinion and an avenue to express it, I must say I am disheartened by the articles you wrote about my organization.
This letter is not in pro Sheryl. This is about moving forward about supporting an organization that has committed itself to uplifting and helping the community and not continue to break it down.
I attended our Boule held this past summer in Las Vegas, NV as a voting delegate for my chapter. Even though I did not cast a vote for Soror Underwood when the election results were announced I respected the decision of the voting body. I understand that some of my sorors have issue with the results and I respect their decision to voice that opinion and act accordingly. Now that the courts have spoken it is necessary to move on and move forward.
You address Soror Underwood’s decision to post the findings of the lawsuit on the International website. As you are aware that court proceedings are public record and anyone who wanted this information would be able to obtain if they chose. Even though we are a sisterhood Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc is a business with corporate partnerships and affiliations. If you were a business person that wanted to work with an organization would you proceed knowing the organization had a pending lawsuit that was not resolved? You have unfairly judged Soror Underwood for posting sorority business. Have you visited the websites for other NPHC organizations? There are other groups that have lists of their members who were suspended. One website had the names of the members on probation suspended or expelled. There is even a section of ones that are banned from application. Natasha Starks is not the first person to be expelled from our organization or any organization and she will not be the last.
I do not know how extensive your knowledge is of Black Greek History but in January 1913 a group of women did not like the direction that the sorority was going. They met, changed the name, colors and motto for the organization. Senior members threatened this group of women with expulsion if they did not cease their activities. On January 13, 1913 those members were expelled from Alpha Kappa Alpha and Delta Sigma Theta was born.
Upheaval within an organization is not a new concept. It happens in mine and I’m sure it happens in other groups as well.
We need to move forward and remain positive in these rough times. Unless you have a crystal ball and no for a fact that Sheryl will fail then don’t judge her based on things she hasn’t done. If she fails at her job, at our next Boule I will vote accordingly.

What Would Jack Bauer Do?

Mr. O'Reilly recently gave a commentary called "Obama and your life" to make a long winded rant short, he said and used these words "Left wing loons are blocking torture and because of that your going to die"

Who are these left wing loons? I say What would Jack Bauer do to get information from a terrorist? That is how we need to handle the people who want to kill us.

I don't have an issue with torture. What I do have issue with and this is something the right will never understand is they cannot clearly define who a terrorist is. My cousin who looks more like the Indian side of my family gets mistaken for a terrorist all the time. Under Right Wing rule would I have to worry about walking down the street with my cousin and being swept up by the CIA for associating with a possible terrorist? That is the issue I have with torture the innocent people that get caught up in the madness and for some reason it happens too often under Republican watch. Yes once in a while Jack Bauer shots someone he shouldn't but he makes up for it at the end of the day.

I feel like the comedians these days. I remember a month ago Bill Maher and Jay Leno complaining that having a President that is brilliant makes it hard to make fun of him and the jokes will suffer.

I completely understand that now. I mean I'm going to foxnews for material is that not sad? What will I write about if I'm not outraged by something the President does? You can exalt someones praises so much. I do feel that when Obama finishes his cabinet selections and they pass through the Senate nominating committee that he should round them up and take a picture like this one. Rahm needs to be in it to.

Bloggers Turrets Part Deux

Back in August, I wrote about having Bloggers Turrets but at that time I had an entirely different subject to write about. I'm glad those feelings have subsided a bit. Now I post two or three posts a day and then nothing for a week or two. I hate not having the time to write. I think its time to start a written diary to carry around with me. I get a thought at times and I hate not having a place or the time to record it. I've thought about some of my dreams that I feel are never going to come true and I could probably do the writing thing in some capacity. My dreams after all are not entirely unrealistic.

And what makes life sad at times...

All of the careers I feel that I am the best suited for and I think I will be the happiest with I may never be.

High School Teacher
I know I know that is not an unrealistic dream but I don't think I have the patience for that anymore. Plus it would require me to quit my job to do student teaching which I can do but I'm not willing to do.

Congresswoman
Would you give me money to represent you?

Writer
Only Ann Coulter can spew the same nonsense and hate and sell books. Me they would label too liberal and the public would welcome me about as much as Darwin's Theory of Evolution in the Palin house.

History Professor
I will not discount this career yet. It will depend on me and what kind of chances would I be willing to take

Why do we Blog?

I was flipping through the channels Wednesday night and Queen Latifah was on with Tavis Smiley. I assume he asked her about her secret to longevity in the entertainment business and she talked about not taking everyone with you. You can't rise to the top if you have 20 people hanging on your coat tails. Then she started talking about blogs. She said she hates them because everyone now has something to say. She says everyone so desperately wants to be heard. I can't help but agree.

My blog has done so many things for me. It helped me through a tough time or two recently. I used to be afraid to write if you can believe that. As you can probably tell my grammar and spelling isn't great and that kept me back for a long time (<----run on). I was embarrassed to share my thoughts because of all the grammar ish. I remember in high school Sean asked me to write music reviews for the website he created for our little clique. I never submitted a review after many threats from Sean. I never submitted them for several reasons that include but not limited to: embarrassed that my skills were sub par, always secretly lusting for Sean (I can admit this now that the teenage crush is over and it is 15 years later) and not valuing my opinion enough. The secretly (I shouldn't say secret everyone knew) lusting after Sean has a big part of why I never wrote for the upstarts website. You don't want the guy you like to think your stupid even though I know that works for some females it doesn't work for me. I was always afraid of being kicked out of that little clique. Who would have known that I would move away placing irreparable damage to the relationship with my brother and who knew I would eventually be replaced.

As therapeutic as my blog has been I must admit because I promised to be absolutely honest here (and I can be because no one really reads this except for my LS and Jody) I want to be heard. I have secret ambitions of political office (but then my campaign would be marred with scandal cause this blog will suddenly surface). I feel I am capable of performing the duties. We have many a Congressional leader that don't have the "experience" but still manage to get the job done to the best of their abilities (or don't get the job done either way most people don't care about such elections and the same fools continue to win). Some people are just in Congress because they live in a blue state, they are Democrat and we want to keep it blue and Democrat. That can totally be me.

If the whole political career doesn't work out I could certainly live out the rest of my days with an editorial column. I don't need the Times the Long Island Newsday would be sufficient for me. I would love to write how I feel for a living when it comes to issuses we face domestically and abroad. The Newsday would certainly suit me the best because I feel people pay too much attention to what is going on in the National stage. The local and state government affect "you" so much and no one really cares. As a member of the editorial staff I would first get more people to read the paper period and second encourage correspondence from my readers. That whole "community leader" role has worked wonders for someone special.

Is it wrong to think that one day George Stephonopolus will come across my blog one day and invite me on to This Week?

Or I will piss off Sean Hannity enough that he would invite me on his show so all of his neo con followers would send me hate mail and death threats?

A girl can only wish....

Speak of the Devil cont...

I was just telling Jody last week that I believe when you play recordings of Sean Hannity speaking backwards I'm sure you will hear the voice of the devil. We remember commenting on how insignificant Colmes was we couldn't remember his name. Now that I think of I'm pretty sure we were calling Holmes.

Fox News is getting itself in gear. They are preparing for war since losing this election and I'm sure they are recruiting soldiers as we speak. When you are preparing for battle propaganda is important. You need one voice to speak to the people that are going to listen. How effective would Hitler been if he had some leftist coming on after him saying, "Hey maybe the Jews aren't so bad"

I don’t exisit in Sean Hannity’s America. There is no place for me. How can there be when I don’t understand how it is okay not to regulate government but it is okay to regulate morality? I heard Mr. Hannity complaining about Congress forcing banks to lend money to people that can’t afford it. Yea he has a point. But at the same time is it right to speak of an American dream that does not and will never exist for many? I say be real

Sean Hannity will have his own radio show and his own television show. His followers will be able to hear him in the car on the way to work and home and then at evening before they go to bed. That is a lot of Hannity. He is going to have an uninterrupted pulpit to spew from and my fellow Americans this is dangerous. Hannity doesen’t has listeners he has followers, all people that live by the Gospel according to Sean