Wow

I still can't believe it.....

I wondered so many times over the years what this would feel like.  I go on line to look at it again because the idea is so incredulous to me sometimes that I am actually a college graduate, I started this crazy road when I didn't have to.  I could of been gainfully employed as an employee of the state of New York.

I didn't cry...
I thought I would
But my knees did buckle a bit

Dad

I had a dream last night....

I fell down somewhere and ended up in my bed in lots of pain.  I was in my old twin size bed that I that I tossed in 2003 when I moved back to Long Island.  As I laid down trying to fight through the pain, I turned to my left and my Dad was rubbing my back.  Then helped me sit up.  My hair was a mess for some reason and my Dad took out a comb and started to comb my hair.  He combed a part down the middle and stopped.  I looked at my Dad and said to him "Daddy you are always here to take care of me"

Then I woke up

New layout again

I really like this.  Considering a flickr for all my best pics in addition to this blog

Doing too Much

I often wonder if I should censor myself on this blog.  That maybe it isn't a good idea to write without a few seconds with the Lord.  Well I guess it is too late now.

Since April, I've had three friends bury a parent and one friend bury a son.  This post is about happiness and if it actually exists after death.

I think of my life in two parts, before my father died and after my father died.  I go a few months or sometimes days with a feeling of joy and then something will happen or I have an ephiany about something.  I'm too smart and insightful for my own good sometimes.  I envy people who have the ability to be blissfully ignorant. 

I was going to write more, but it is too much for a Sunday....
I should of went to church

Graduation Countdown

With the exception of today that I spent bullshitting, I am anticiptating my upcoming graduation. I will begin work shortly and then go out with my friend and my ls.

I will write more in a bit

Another loss

Damn it!

I swear this blog is turning into one long obituary. But I had to write. Whitney is gone.

I thought about all this because 20/20 is set to air a two hour special on the late superstar. Do I have to really watch that? I feel like I lived through it why do I have to watch it again.

Whitney Houston was so closely woven into my childhood that I never even feasibly imagined her gone. I always thought about how I felt when Stevie Wonder died or Morgan Freeman. Of course the sadness will be there but...

But Whitney!@# Teena? Heavy? and the biggest loss of them all for me MJ

Whitney, was so great so much a part of my childhood, that I never even thought of her as gone. We all talk about as friends, growing old together, but we never think of the fact that not all of us are going to make it that far. Lord I hope no one does anything cliche and post this on their facebook wall. This is not any weirdo foreshadowing. I expect to retire from Stony Brook and teach and I will continue to live as such.

Life as I know it

I have the fortunate knowlegde and experience of life before the internet and life after.

I just looked at my review sheet for my midterm tomorrow and I know I was in a complete fog the first two weeks of school. Thats ok I googled the answer

Google, easy bib, ejournals. How the hell do you young people learn

My Fear

I secretly walk around with a fear for the black men in my life. It's fear of law enforcement.

Accidental shooting

Justifiable homocide

Excessive force

My life felt threatened

Phrases often heard in the black community when describing issues with law enforcement.

Thats all I have to say about that

Writers Burnout

My last post so long ago was about writers block. I don't have writers block I have writers burnout.

Big difference. I've been reading again and that makes me happy. So what if I re read the Potter series. It ended this summer, I needed the recap in order to accurately rip apart the final film.

I think despite all the crazy it will be a good semester for me academically. The fall semester always is. If everything goes according to plan, this will be my last semester as an undergraduate.

Then what....

No idea. ...............

Being an undergraduate is my current excuse for everything (viable excuse). I'm glad I won't have the crutch anymore, but damn it will be a challenge to learn how to live. Especially after 15 years of an undergraduate career.

Reading Gogol now for my crime and punishment in World Lit class. My professor is a sweet man. The older ones with the experience and without the arrogance always make the best teachers. I'm glad for our first go at things he chose a book that is well written and interesting.

Writers Block

I've been truly neglecting this blog and I know why. I can't write a paper for school let alone write my random thoughts in my blog.

.......

If you have any ideas on how to get over writers block let me know

Slowly...Surely

Slowly Surely I walk away from that old

desperate and daze of love

caught up in the maze of love

the crazy craze of love

thought it was good

thought it was real

thought it was

but it wasn't love

This is not a test.

This is not a poast about love...its a poast about...thought it was....

Anyone can fall in love with a thought or an idea. This song is about escape to me. Thinking about a reality that doesn't exisit is a defense mechanism. You can't address the problems of today if you are are caught up the crazy craze of love and not the current reality of your life today. Why live in the world of crazy love when you are currently single? Why plan a graduation trip when you have a ton of school work in the Spring semester to complete? Don't start buying clothes for a new job that you haven't applied for that just sounds perfect to you because you thought it was....

You ever just feel....

Have you ever had a feeling that you couldn't explain? I had a conversation with a friend recently. From what I understood from her is that is was more upsetting to go through the moods. To go through the ups and downs.

I don't know how to continue to write without further delving into something that need not be on my blog

New Year, New Layout

It probably won't stay but I needed the change. It seems that the more interaction I have with people, the more I want to teach. I keep the books because of my constant desire to learn.

Two days from now I will be back in Professor Fouron's class.

Hindsight - recognition of the realities, possiblities or requirements of a situation, event, etc. after its occurence Reference

I'm excited because he inspiries me. I'm excited because I feel like he teaches what's important. We don't always see eye to eye.
But that is life

He teaches me that's OK. If that is OK in the classroom it is OK for life.

Tumblr womp womp womp

So the Tumblr went bye bye

The blackberry app just had too many issues

There was no resolution or recap post for 2010.

Part of it was due to the stomach flu.

Part of it due to not wanting to look backwards.

Time to start wanting more positive things in my life.

I will probably go to church in the morning and pray to God for tolerance. Now I'm not about to start sprouting hate.

I must admit that I am not always patient with people who stay in ruts,
who use other circumstances and choose not to change.

No one is perfect.

I get that.

I don't get not wanting personal change and growth.

I have to accept people for who they are and how they want to stay.

But...

I will never accept people who choose to purposely hurt people just because they can.

Coming from where I'm from

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with this blog since I just started a tumblr account. After a day I decided I need to keep this blog. It's been with me for a long time to give it up.

I would love to get to the point in my life where I can have the strain of my undergraduate education off so I can just write. There is much that goes on in the world and I have yet to speak on it.

There is more to me than my whims, undergraduate education and relationship woes.

I have a sound mind and the ability to form an opinion of my own.

I have the courage to share it.

Tumblr will have to be for those short outbursts I have and can't tweet in 140 characters.

Deception

It's betrayal
It's dishonesty
But this time it's not my own....

Do you feel bad because you know its wrong?

Do you get angry because your warnings went on deaf ear?

Do you wish disaster because you feel like they should have listened?

How do you handle deception?

"We are never decieved, we decieve ourselves" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sunday September 26

I've had a lot on my mind lately. A Soror of mine who was in a relationship with our Frat brother decided to post the story of the demise of her relationship on facebook. It's very ironic that my friend hates being guilty by association but that is the life of a member in a Greek organization. This couple made it a blue and white problem instead of a Irene Dennis issue.

I woke up incredibly sad this morning and that is a hard feeling to come to terms with because...

It could be worse
I know it can be worse because I've been through it
I never allow myself to feel
I will forever be riddled with Catholic School guilt.

Mom is calling me for breakfast. It's 12:30 and I'm just getting out of bed. FML
We'll talk later

Sleep Well Ms. Horne

Lena Horne

June 30, 1917 - May 9, 2010

Without plastic surgery, crazy diets, photoshop or air brushing this woman was the epitome of beauty. The world mourns your loss but I pray for your family that lost its matriarch on mother's day.

Interview with the ....

Dating: It has occurred to me very recently that I do not have the energy to try to convince men of how awesome I am.

I cannot take credit for that quote I saw it on twitter. I am way too tired to fully delve into the subject but it is how I feel. Blog family it is 2010 and I'm tired. Tired of trying to lose the weight, tired of trying to graduate, tired of trying to get my paper right and tired of the never ending search for happiness in a relationship and family.

My father always used to say to me "we cannot be a jack of all trades and master of nothing". There are so many areas of my life I want to address and do well at. The other areas its hard for me to put on a back burner until I fix the most important. I need to graduate and get healthy.

In addition to writing which is always good for my soul, I'm going to pick up my Bible a little more.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up - Galatians 6:9

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Listening to: Hillsong Music Australia - Eagles Wings
via FoxyTunes

Memories

Like the Corner of My Mind....

I was given the task to write down all of the memories of my childhood or the events that happened to me that have stuck with me. I can't write about the painful things on my blog but I will write about other random tidbits and lately I've been trying to start as early as possible.

I remember being a kid don't recall how old and watching the movie Commando for the first time. I recall Rae Dawn Chung saying in the movie "I can't believe this macho bullshit!" I told my Mom she laughed but for some reason Uncle Keith and my sister were not too happy I could quote this line.

I remember my brother playing track and field in the basement with my Uncle Rawle. I remember the summer day Eric's friend Lance came over and played with us. He was always so tall and beat us in the jumping contests that irritated me.

I'm going to end here because what I want to write I can't because the memories are too painful and even though I've been given the task I'm not really ready to deal with the issues at hand.

I mean everyone has issues...