New Year, New Layout

It probably won't stay but I needed the change. It seems that the more interaction I have with people, the more I want to teach. I keep the books because of my constant desire to learn.

Two days from now I will be back in Professor Fouron's class.

Hindsight - recognition of the realities, possiblities or requirements of a situation, event, etc. after its occurence Reference

I'm excited because he inspiries me. I'm excited because I feel like he teaches what's important. We don't always see eye to eye.
But that is life

He teaches me that's OK. If that is OK in the classroom it is OK for life.

Tumblr womp womp womp

So the Tumblr went bye bye

The blackberry app just had too many issues

There was no resolution or recap post for 2010.

Part of it was due to the stomach flu.

Part of it due to not wanting to look backwards.

Time to start wanting more positive things in my life.

I will probably go to church in the morning and pray to God for tolerance. Now I'm not about to start sprouting hate.

I must admit that I am not always patient with people who stay in ruts,
who use other circumstances and choose not to change.

No one is perfect.

I get that.

I don't get not wanting personal change and growth.

I have to accept people for who they are and how they want to stay.

But...

I will never accept people who choose to purposely hurt people just because they can.

Coming from where I'm from

I wasn't sure what I was going to do with this blog since I just started a tumblr account. After a day I decided I need to keep this blog. It's been with me for a long time to give it up.

I would love to get to the point in my life where I can have the strain of my undergraduate education off so I can just write. There is much that goes on in the world and I have yet to speak on it.

There is more to me than my whims, undergraduate education and relationship woes.

I have a sound mind and the ability to form an opinion of my own.

I have the courage to share it.

Tumblr will have to be for those short outbursts I have and can't tweet in 140 characters.

Deception

It's betrayal
It's dishonesty
But this time it's not my own....

Do you feel bad because you know its wrong?

Do you get angry because your warnings went on deaf ear?

Do you wish disaster because you feel like they should have listened?

How do you handle deception?

"We are never decieved, we decieve ourselves" - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Sunday September 26

I've had a lot on my mind lately. A Soror of mine who was in a relationship with our Frat brother decided to post the story of the demise of her relationship on facebook. It's very ironic that my friend hates being guilty by association but that is the life of a member in a Greek organization. This couple made it a blue and white problem instead of a Irene Dennis issue.

I woke up incredibly sad this morning and that is a hard feeling to come to terms with because...

It could be worse
I know it can be worse because I've been through it
I never allow myself to feel
I will forever be riddled with Catholic School guilt.

Mom is calling me for breakfast. It's 12:30 and I'm just getting out of bed. FML
We'll talk later

Sleep Well Ms. Horne

Lena Horne

June 30, 1917 - May 9, 2010

Without plastic surgery, crazy diets, photoshop or air brushing this woman was the epitome of beauty. The world mourns your loss but I pray for your family that lost its matriarch on mother's day.

Interview with the ....

Dating: It has occurred to me very recently that I do not have the energy to try to convince men of how awesome I am.

I cannot take credit for that quote I saw it on twitter. I am way too tired to fully delve into the subject but it is how I feel. Blog family it is 2010 and I'm tired. Tired of trying to lose the weight, tired of trying to graduate, tired of trying to get my paper right and tired of the never ending search for happiness in a relationship and family.

My father always used to say to me "we cannot be a jack of all trades and master of nothing". There are so many areas of my life I want to address and do well at. The other areas its hard for me to put on a back burner until I fix the most important. I need to graduate and get healthy.

In addition to writing which is always good for my soul, I'm going to pick up my Bible a little more.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up - Galatians 6:9

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Listening to: Hillsong Music Australia - Eagles Wings
via FoxyTunes

Memories

Like the Corner of My Mind....

I was given the task to write down all of the memories of my childhood or the events that happened to me that have stuck with me. I can't write about the painful things on my blog but I will write about other random tidbits and lately I've been trying to start as early as possible.

I remember being a kid don't recall how old and watching the movie Commando for the first time. I recall Rae Dawn Chung saying in the movie "I can't believe this macho bullshit!" I told my Mom she laughed but for some reason Uncle Keith and my sister were not too happy I could quote this line.

I remember my brother playing track and field in the basement with my Uncle Rawle. I remember the summer day Eric's friend Lance came over and played with us. He was always so tall and beat us in the jumping contests that irritated me.

I'm going to end here because what I want to write I can't because the memories are too painful and even though I've been given the task I'm not really ready to deal with the issues at hand.

I mean everyone has issues...

Dating Chronicles Part 2

This entry is waayyyyy over due. I went out on date #2 last Friday and did not write about it. No funny name for this one. Even though him and I didn't click he is still a nice guy. Just no spark with me. The sad part is I have yet to move on and I may not spark with anyone that does not have a goatee.

I guess I'm not really in the mood to talk about my date itself but I will talk about my issues. He sleeps every night at 9pm. Kind of goofy and chubby not stocky. I know my body isn't fly yet either but damn. For a person that goes to the gym almost every day what the hell is he eating? I know this post is a bunch of rambling but in mi vida loca so much has happened since this date its hard to write about now.

For the meek shall inherit the earth...

Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are the meek: for they shall possess the land.
Blessed are they who mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst after justice: for they shall have their fill.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the clean of heart: for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they that suffer persecution for justice sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

I remember being a young girl in Catholic elementary school and we were required to know the 8 Beatitudes. We were many a times tested on them. Since the tragedy that occurred in Haiti this past week I've been thinking about them even more. We here from deeply religious people that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but one must ask; how much more is Haiti to endure.

When I first heard a massive earthquake hit the small island of Haiti, my first thought went to Sandrine. I knew she was home but for a split second my heart broke at the thought that if this occurred a week ago I could have lost a woman who has become my sister. God must have a plan for it should be known that I would not function well without her.

My thoughts are still with her. Never in the 6 years I've known her have I heard that kind of pain.

I know I am all about the photos. But this time I could not post them. Well for one they are all over the Internet. I cannot in good faith post those pictures because those are not the images I want on my blog of Haiti.

I watched the news today. Good Morning America as I always do. There was a story about a white girl that lost her leg. Another story about a white couple that is adopting an orphaned Haitian child. When tragedy strikes white people as individuals are great. White people as a group (e.g Bush Administration during Katrina) not so much. I thought to myself today "Why do I feel soooo bad?" Is it because I see people in pain that I love or is it because I don't feel well because I cannot take away a loved ones pain?" I think that is why we are bombarded with hundreds of stories of white people doing these selfless things. It is there way of wiping the slate clean.

Haiti was the first independent country in the Western Hemisphere. How does a country go from the first to gain independence to a third world nation. I do not blame the people of Haiti I blame their management. The government has failed this country for many years. My hope for Haiti my prayer is that this tragedy is the opportunity to rebuild and be the country it could be. I don't post photos of Haiti today because I chose to see it for what it could be and not for what it was.


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Listening to: Donnie McClurkin - We Fall Down

The Dating Chronicles

2010 begins my foray into dating and it is starting on interesting note. I say that because I am dating. I am looking and keeping myself open to the possibilities. But after all the nonsense Mr. G has put me through every time I hear that bbm ding a part of me hopes its him. He has been treating me a indirectly like a real dick even though I haven't been around to receive it. It's almost worse that he does it behind my back. Mr. G has painted a portrait of me that is just not true, so instead of waiting for him to change I've decided to move on. Even though I may not entirely be ready.

Well I had date #1 today. I had issue from before we met. I didn't like the offer of a back rub. I didn't care for the baby and sweetheart nonsense as well but I kept it moving. For 31 cross eyed seemed a little immature but what guy is not. We were supposed to meet last night and I'm glad he cancelled. I didn't have much time today because it was Nora's shower but I couldn't keep him at bay for much longer. He seemed very anxious to meet me. Peep the timeline.

2:11 -
Me: I'm leaving the Source mall now. Let's meet at the Starbucks closet to you.
Cross eyed: Ok I'm already dressed I will see you in a few minutes.

Now the Source mall is a few minutes further from this Starbucks than from where he lives. Literally up the block.

2:28
Me: Where is this fool
Me on the bbm: Line sisters have a blind date but about to leave. This fool has me waiting.
LS #3: Give him a few more minutes
Me: He knows I have a baby shower to attend
Me: I'm just sending you guys this bbm in case I end up missing
Me: I'm out

2:37
Me: Oh hi (as I'm walking out the door)
Cross eyed: Oh hi (hug and kiss) excuse about making me wait
Me: Who the hell is he looking at

2:40 - 2:53
useless jaber
Me: I should go
Cross eyed: Ok nice meeting you
Me: I will call you when I get home from the shower
Cross eyed: ok cool

and I'm out....

Now I know what the funk doctor Spock is going to say end it, but in these situations I just like to cease contact. I'm going to catch up with her on Thursday so we shall get her opinion then. It's a good thing I'm seeing her before date #2

A Wise Man Once Said

when a woman meets a man, she hopes he'll change
when a man meets a woman, he hopes she'll stay the same

they usually both end up being disappointed

Now is not the Time for Grand Declarations

Just letting the thoughts stream....

For the record, I must note that I'm watching He's Just Not Into You for the second time in two days. I wonder how many times I will have to watch it for the message to sink in.

Grand declarations or Resolutions...
I made one but to my line sisters in the privacy of our bbm chat. I know they won't hold it against me if my declaration doesn't come true.

Writing is good for the soul. Maybe I should invest in that wireless router so I can use the internet as I wish.

Will probably edit later. I must shower so I can be with my sisters.

What I will think about are my positive changes that 2009 has brought

The Decade in Review

At first when I started to write I was just going to do a year in review but there were a lot of things that happened to me in the 00's. Why not decide to share. I really should have planned this better with accompanying photos

2000

I will never forget the New Year's going into the new century/millennium. My friends Dana and Elizabeth were there as well as Dana's friend Deseree. Eric's usually crew came through as well in addition to my cousin Perryn. We must of thrown confetti in every part of the house (my parents were not at home). I want to say that was also the night we lost Sean but found him. This was also the year I turned 21. I spent my 21st birthday at first with the ladies of okayplayer at our first and only sisterhood day and then Elizabeth and I went to a bar on the upper east side. This was also the year I lost my virginity.

2001

The New Year's Eve going into this year I was 21 but no where to go because I was recovering from surgery. I had my first real job in the group home. First time I had health insurance which would prove useful that year. I started having sex and was able to get my own birth control without alarming the parental units. That year I was the thinnest I had been in a while. This year we were a changed nation because of the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center. Life as we knew it would never be the same. I went on my first cruise with him that year too.

2002

Many things happened this year but only a few worth mentioning. This was the year I got my first 9-5 office job. This is the year my father finally got the kidney transplant he had needed for the last 10 years and of course that was the same week I lost my granny.

2003

January of this year Elizabeth and I embarked on our girls trip. I really thought it would have been the first of many but it was a vacation to never forget. This is the year I also found out on my birthday that my father had prostate cancer. In 2003, I also said goodbye to my Auntie Len. I made the big move back from Albany to Long Island and began my employment as a state worker for Stony Brook University.

2004

Treatment for Dad's cancer worked for a while and this also marked 40 years of marriage for my parents. We celebrated by taking that cruise my father always wanted to do and had the time of our life. That August, he started to get worse. October Dad's cancer went from bad to awful and New Year's Eve I found out my Dad would be dead in 3 months. I knew this in the back of my mind and I tried to spend all of my waking time with my father. Oh yeah I also started college Fall 2004.

2005

It was hard to stay positive this year knowing my father was going to die. My father would never get that house in Florida he wanted to retire in and travel during the hurricane season. My father would never walk me down the aisle or see my children. What I do remember from that time before he died was the gift I felt the Lord gave me. I wanted to take some time off so put in for my Spring break. Ironically that week my car would be repossessed and I would have no mode of transportation. I would spend a lot of time with my father and for some strange reason he was feeling good. He actually got up and made me breakfast something he wasn't able to do in a while. I was feeling positive up until that Easter morning. I saw my father sit in his chair and it was almost as if he was already gone. We went to my Uncle Lynn's house for dinner and came home where my father was up all night. I had to go back to work that day so I got dressed and said bye to my Dad and I would see him when he got home. My mom ended up taking him to the hospital where I spoke to him for the final time when he said he was OK. Later that night about 10:00 my Mom called from the hospital to tell me and my brother come to the city your father will probably not make it through the night. So I called my sister, my Uncle Lynn and my cousin Kizzy. Then put my clothes on to go say goodbye to my father. I saw my Dad in the hospital bed before the put him on the life support machine. We had a priest come in and do his last rites. I held my father's hand and he squeezed it back. I know my father died that day but we took vigil in the hospital for the rest of the week waiting for family to arrive to say goodbye. Everyday I went there and talked to my Daddy like he was still alive and that a miracle would happen and he would come back to me. He never did. That Friday we disconnected the machine and watched the heart monitor go down as the life the machine was providing left his body. Two weeks later we would say goodbye to my cousin Arlene's husband Lenny. Two months later we would say goodbye to my grandfather and two months after that I lost my godfather. What else can I say about this year but it has changed me forever.

2006

I decided to cope with my loss was to not have time to deal with it. I went back into my studies and one day walking on campus saw the flyer with almost an auroa surrounding it. Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated informational April 2, 2006. This year I would embark on a journey that I always felt destined to take. I began my journey April 2 and started on a new path December 2, 2006. I learned many things that year. Some things I'm not going to put on the blog. Some things will stay with Fall 06

2007

I had many expectations for this year and it was a blur. I threw myself in school work and sorority and was maintaining for a little while. Who would know that this would be the gateway to about 60 pound weight gain. Oh yeah I left the hell I was in for a new one. Made the job switch from East to West campus.

2008

Much of 2007 but with more personal strife and weight gain. One thing that did change was deciding to make some changes. In November, 2008 I moved out of my mother's house and into my own studio apartment. Oh my Academic career was in the toilet.

2009

DIRTY THIRTY - was this year perfect nope but I made the best of it. I had another car accident which forced me to my chiropractor who introduced me to the diet that would actually work for me. My boss introduced me to the therapist who is actually helping me and I traveled. This year I saw Hawaii, Dominican Republic and Toronto. The best part was not only my trips. The best part was snorkeling in Kona, zip lining in Kauai and finally doing everything I had been scared to do for so long.

There is more to the last 10 years that I care to write about. I may edit at a later time but for now I have to get myself ready for a New Year's Eve house party. Which I hope will be the best way for me to start off my year.

A Review of last night

I know myself enough to know never to have these conversations that are too hard and confrontational when I'm upset. They never come out right.

Maybe its time for restraint

Best of Me by Mya

You can't make this shit up son. Someone went through this before. 100 bucks says they weren't 30 and if they were they knew better.







Mya-
You put me on
I can�t let let him go no
Can�t let you get, oh no

Verse 1:
He has a little game that he plays
Clever little ways and a hot boy style
Racks up on the dough that he makes
Flash a little cash watch girls wild out
Lately he�s been checking for me
Telling me how much he wants to be
Wants to be the one to replace
Replace the man that waits at home for me

Chorus:
Oh no I can�t let you
Get the best of me
Even though deep inside
Something�s dying to see
How you flow out them clothes
Then you put it on me
Feelings coming on strong
I know that it�s wrong
I can�t let you get the best of me
The best of me


Verse 2:
So busy trying to play with my head
Telling me how he could blow my mind
Something about the things that he said
Made me want to take it there one time
I should be walking away
Cause his hands up on my thigh
Should I leave, should I stay?
After all it�s just one night

Chorus

Jadakiss- verse 3:
Yo yo yo I got so many bags of money
That they won�t fit in the bank
And i�mma do this just like tony did it to frank
But i�mma make sure both y�all win
Let him keep the place you move
And i�mma pay both y�alls rent
So forget about the condo and come to the crib
Cause the castle over the mountain come with a bridge
You know literally we can go shopping in italy
Hand on her thigh she don�t wanna get rid of me
And she don�t drink or know how a l look
Chanel look mixed with the pete arnell look
You just stay pretty while I�m running the city
When I whip the v you can hold the joint if you with me
Vacation cost a hundred and fifty we living it up
I put it on your ass if you giving up
And you know I�m not a hater
And if you feel bad then you can call him later
And tell him you all jada�s

Mya-
Oh no I can�t let you
Get the best of me
Even though deep inside
Something�s dying to see
How you flow out them clothes
Then you put it on me
You ain�t gonna get to me
You can�t get the best of me

Chorus

Oh no I can�t let you
Get the best of me
Even though deep inside
Something�s dying to see
How you flow out them clothes
Then you put it on me
Oh yeah, oh...

I have this Ice Box Where My Heart Used to Be....

I tried....

No one can't say I didn't. I was given advice that I wasn't ready to be married because I never really dated. Now I know if I want to be technical I didn't date in this situation but I tried going in not to be soft and pink. (c)Wendy Williams

This entire situation is not entirely my fault. I believe in personal accountability but I cannot take complete ownership. All I wanted was honesty and respect. I asked for that but I was not fully prepared at all at the fact that he wouldn't give it to me.

I set the requirements....
I laid the ground rules....
and he chose not to follow....
I didn't ask for commitment....

Now my role in the shit I just got myself in.
Thinking I can actually have an icebox and thinking that I wouldn't develop feelings.

But for all those in the cyberspace would you really think if you invited the next chick your fucking to the get together the chick already there wouldn't feel some type of way about it? How fuckin dare you! How dare you try to dance and feel up on both of us like that shit is cute.

Now I wonder what he is thinking or will he even approach me about this? I wonder if he will think that I'm just acting this way because I caught some type of feelings. The truth is I did. But that is not why I'm mad.

My next move is very important. I need to plan my moves accordingly so I come out smelling like fuckin roses even though I'm at a loss.

My Life in Photos

Some of my photos....



This photo sparked much conversation on facebook. Many complements to Ashley Clarke and the Fraser thighs




Anderson is not being coy here but trying to hide inebriation.



Dana and I are dorks...n/m





And we sleep...



A day at the St. Brigid's Fair. I really thought I was going to kill Headache #1 and Headache #2 but they were really good.



The only selective focus shot I was able to take. I would love to know what settings on my camera were.

I'm so not Ready

Ball of Confusion

Thank the Lord no one reads this blog of mine and I can speak freely. Men can put you through it so much that I want to write about it but I know I'm just going to give myself a headache

URGHHHHHH!!!

EDIT:

I really don't know what to do.

I'm going to now say what I want to say but don't know if I can suffer the consequences of my feelings. The consequences being either he hears what I have to say and understands or he walks away.

Hopefully writing in this blog will give me the courage to say what I have to say.

We first met and had fun
The second time we met we had fun and took it further...
During our second meeting we talked about us and where we were going.
The third time we met not so good. You pushed me away because you thought I was getting too close. I thought to myself, "This is bullshit!" Stated my case and left him be.
Fourth time we met...you wanted me. You called me and I came and we had fun!

Things were going well. Anytime we get close you throw up roadblocks. And the reason is you don't want anyone to develop feelings. The problem is I don't think its my feelings your thinking about developing I think its yours.

You know what? I took a lot of time to just say something so simple.

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Listening to: Omarion - Ice Box
via FoxyTunes