I wrote this August 15, 2008 and I feel guilty. I don't think I ever fully believed the madness. I never felt like he ever touched a kid but I did want him to fall back a bit. After the first white kid I wanted him to leave them all alone. Mr. Harvey and I shared the same sentiment.
I just wanted Mike to fall back and stop going on tv and talking about the sleep overs with kids. I turned my back on MJ for a spell and now that he is gone I feel terrible.
When I do my community service I will remember fondly Michael and all he did for the world.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
3 Minutes
Meant to write more but I had to say something the final minutes of my 20's
HOW IN HOLY FUCK DID THE TIME PASS BY SO QUICKLY
HOW IN HOLY FUCK DID THE TIME PASS BY SO QUICKLY
Friday, July 17, 2009
My Life in Photos
I've spent so much time looking at other peoples life through photos and never really spent time looking at my life and my perspective. I've been thinking about it because I'm currently taking Photography for non majors at Stony Brook and our first assignment is to identify what we see.
In this pic I see my #2 Quadisha. To be frank the first time I met Quadisha at our informational I thought who is this stank girl trying to be a Zeta. I hope they don't choose her over me because she was an archonette. I was never more wrong about a person. Behind that sweet smile is a really sweet person that would give her right arm to help someone out. She will make a great social worker because she really does care. 
This pic I see my childhood. I remember the countless birthday parties I had and went to and I wonder what goes through their mind. The lives of these children are dramatically different than mine was at that age. I had nothing to worry about and some of the kids in this picture have seen things that I have never seen. One of the things I remember from my childhood was the youth of the adults around me. A couple of dead family members and seeing people not move like they use to really makes you think about your own mortality.
These pics represent one of my deepest fears, not knowing the difference between what I want and what I need. I was recently in a new apartment and yes I needed a new TV. I wanted the 32" flat screen and froze my ass off and almost fought with some yardies as a result. The even bigger irony is the fact that I come home and won't even turn on that TV till 10pm.
It is so true when people say you cannot judge a person that spoils their kids. Josiah is not mine he is just my cousin. And I did go overboard with the presents for a two year old but it was all worth it to see his smile. I remember as I was shopping thinking to myself that he would just look at these items and say ok what now but he didn't. He opened all of his presents that Christmas morning with care and diligence and loved playing with his toys. It was worth being broke for a little while.
My trip to San Diego a few years back. I've always said I've wanted to vacation alone and this trip I pretty much did. Even though I spent the time at Kizzy's spot I spent the days exploring San Diego and TJ on my own. I wonder to myself at times if I spend too much time alone and if that is a good thing. Maybe the more time alone I spend the more guarded and independent I appear to be. Maybe that is what scares off the fellas.
Of course I have hundreds more but many were causaulties of my last hard drive. But with the next five weeks of summer session II there will be more to tell.
----------------
Listening to: Michael Jackson - Human Nature
via FoxyTunes
In this pic I see my #2 Quadisha. To be frank the first time I met Quadisha at our informational I thought who is this stank girl trying to be a Zeta. I hope they don't choose her over me because she was an archonette. I was never more wrong about a person. Behind that sweet smile is a really sweet person that would give her right arm to help someone out. She will make a great social worker because she really does care. 
This pic I see my childhood. I remember the countless birthday parties I had and went to and I wonder what goes through their mind. The lives of these children are dramatically different than mine was at that age. I had nothing to worry about and some of the kids in this picture have seen things that I have never seen. One of the things I remember from my childhood was the youth of the adults around me. A couple of dead family members and seeing people not move like they use to really makes you think about your own mortality.
These pics represent one of my deepest fears, not knowing the difference between what I want and what I need. I was recently in a new apartment and yes I needed a new TV. I wanted the 32" flat screen and froze my ass off and almost fought with some yardies as a result. The even bigger irony is the fact that I come home and won't even turn on that TV till 10pm.
It is so true when people say you cannot judge a person that spoils their kids. Josiah is not mine he is just my cousin. And I did go overboard with the presents for a two year old but it was all worth it to see his smile. I remember as I was shopping thinking to myself that he would just look at these items and say ok what now but he didn't. He opened all of his presents that Christmas morning with care and diligence and loved playing with his toys. It was worth being broke for a little while.
My trip to San Diego a few years back. I've always said I've wanted to vacation alone and this trip I pretty much did. Even though I spent the time at Kizzy's spot I spent the days exploring San Diego and TJ on my own. I wonder to myself at times if I spend too much time alone and if that is a good thing. Maybe the more time alone I spend the more guarded and independent I appear to be. Maybe that is what scares off the fellas.Of course I have hundreds more but many were causaulties of my last hard drive. But with the next five weeks of summer session II there will be more to tell.
----------------
Listening to: Michael Jackson - Human Nature
via FoxyTunes
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy
Lately I come home from work and I don't turn on any lights and I don't turn on the TV. I just go straight to the computer and I play around on the internet and I watch and listen to Michael. Now it is no secret that I love Michael and I still mourn his loss but why the obsession?
I think it's two parts to my Michael obsession. First the part that comes from my heart. As far as I can remember my earliest memories involve Michael Jackson. I remember the day we brought the Thriller album and I remember dancing to it with Andrea and Eric in the den. I remember listening to the Jackson's and the Jackson 5. Many of the happiest memories of my childhood were centered around Michael. How do you say thank you to the person that gave up their life so you can have one? I am so grateful for that sacrifice that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
The other part to my MJ obsession is purely selfish. I feel guilty admitting this but I feel almost like I'm doing to MJ in death what so many did to him in life I'm using him as my distraction.
According to Wikipedia denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead. I am in denial. There is much I have to face but chose not to face it. I wonder how I can be aware of my situation but still do little or nothing to fix it.
That is the kicker
I think it's two parts to my Michael obsession. First the part that comes from my heart. As far as I can remember my earliest memories involve Michael Jackson. I remember the day we brought the Thriller album and I remember dancing to it with Andrea and Eric in the den. I remember listening to the Jackson's and the Jackson 5. Many of the happiest memories of my childhood were centered around Michael. How do you say thank you to the person that gave up their life so you can have one? I am so grateful for that sacrifice that it brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
The other part to my MJ obsession is purely selfish. I feel guilty admitting this but I feel almost like I'm doing to MJ in death what so many did to him in life I'm using him as my distraction.
According to Wikipedia denial is a defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead. I am in denial. There is much I have to face but chose not to face it. I wonder how I can be aware of my situation but still do little or nothing to fix it.
That is the kicker
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Thursday, July 02, 2009
Since You've Been Gone
For the last week I've inundated myself with Michael Jackson. I've watched videos countless times, listened to his music and watched interviews. I now realize that I am not giving the man the peace he wanted so much in life now that he is dead.
Every crazy article that has come out I've read. I've tried to imagine myself as a Jackson as even being close to being that big of a star. I did not think of myself in the public so much as how he was in his private life. What kind of private life can you have when they have to shut down a grocery store so you can just go food shopping.
The truth is I am ashamed. I am ashamed because I am not allowing Michael to do his job. His job was to provide us with music and entertain us and he did that 1000x over. I am ashamed because I feel like I've been using Michael. For the last week the circus around the man gone too soon has been my distraction. It has prevented me from dealing with all the crazy shit I have going on in my life. I've disguised the fact that I avoid all things difficult and painful in my life. Some people think I'm a saint for all the community service and time I give to other people. And for the most part it is selfless but I don't know if I believe anything in this life is completely selfless. Doing work for other people helps me avoid the personal pain. I think I'm being selfish because I feel if Michael was alive today he would gladly trade in my pain for his. There will never be another person in this world that could feel the same pain as Michael. The only other person the peoples Princess knew the same pain as Michael, but she too was taken from us too soon.
What I have to do is stop avoiding and live the life that Michael so much deserved.
Michael,
I pray that you find the peace in death that you could not find in life
Katherine,
I hope your faith gets you through this and I pray for you
Prince Michael, Paris and Prince Michael II
I know how it feels to lose a parent and I pray that the world allows you to mourn in peace
I pray for anyone that has lost a person that is important to them.
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Listening to: Michael Jackson - Gone Too Soon
via FoxyTunes
There’s no black and white, left and right to me anymore; there’s only up and down and down is very close to the ground. And I’m trying to go up without thinking about anything trivial such as politics. They has got nothing to do with it. I’m thinking about the general people and when they get hurt.Bob Dylan
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